The Universe is Confusing

"Love removes masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." -
James Baldwin

The last couple weeks have been very difficult. Not only am I dealing with the peak of my Seasonal Affect Disorder but I feel as if everyone doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Am I really that crazy? I can't tell because no one will talk to me....

I've had a very long history of not trusting people. There have been so many disappointments in my life that I turned off a lot of feelings just to protect myself from getting hurt. It also goes along with the pathology of low self-esteem and not feeling worthy etc... I've made a couple of close friends but only with great hesitation. I takes a great leap of faith on my part to let go enough to call someone a friend. I took that leap because I was told I wasn't crazy and I was a person worth getting to know. I laid all my feelings out on the line, thinking I'd found a friend that could accept me as I am... or so I thought. There comes a point in any relationship where you reveal deep secrets about yourself feeling a sense of release and security knowing that you won't be judged. This time it was going to be different. Then the past comes back to bite you.

I don't know if I pushed the boundaries of friendship, if I said something that was hurtful or whether I was just being strung along. When I let people know what's really going on inside my head, it's with the understanding that my intent is just to bring my thoughts to the surface for a little airing out and playtime. Something is definitely up though. No one is returning my emails. I guess I must have hopped on the crazy train on the way to insanity. I'm tired of opening myself up to be hurt. You're supposed to learn from every situation and grow. What I've learned is it's better to keep my mouth shut and close myself off then to allow others to get too close and hurt me. I left myself wide open and vulnerable and was stomped on. It's going to take a while to trust again, if I ever get to that point again in this lifetime....

As always,
TOO