Psychic Sponges

I discovered today I am a psychic sponge. This is different than being a psychic vampire. A psychic vampire drains the energy from another either conscious or unconsciously. A psychic sponge feels the energy of those around him/her. This can be a good or bad thing. If the energy is uplifting, this can be a great experience. If the energy is "heavy," or negative, it can be very draining or overwhelming system.

I've always been one of those people that everyone comes to ask for information, help, directions and listen to their problems. I draw these people to me everywhere I go. I used to think I had a sign on my forehead that said "Help Desk." I can be in an unfamiliar city and I will be the one people stop to ask for help. Where ever I've worked, I could have hung a shingle outside my office and charged for therapy. I don't mind it except when people start to take advantage of my good nature.

I'm a great listener. I don't know where I got this skill but it had benefited me all my life. It's especially great in interviews - I hardly have to talk at all. Maybe I should have been an investigative reporter.

I used to be able to deflect the negative vibes around me fairly easily. Working in the hospital broke down a lot of my defenses. When left the hospital environment, I was able to build up my defenses but after being bombarded and attacked over and over (I mean emotionally and psychically), I was left completely open and vulnerable. I've become even more sensitive over the last year. I'm beginning to learn how to block the negative energy and ground myself. Sometimes I just have to separate myself from the oofenders. Of course when I'm around positive, happy people - bring it on!

As I learn more about this phenomenon, I'll share.

As always,
TOO

The Universe is Confusing

"Love removes masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." -
James Baldwin

The last couple weeks have been very difficult. Not only am I dealing with the peak of my Seasonal Affect Disorder but I feel as if everyone doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Am I really that crazy? I can't tell because no one will talk to me....

I've had a very long history of not trusting people. There have been so many disappointments in my life that I turned off a lot of feelings just to protect myself from getting hurt. It also goes along with the pathology of low self-esteem and not feeling worthy etc... I've made a couple of close friends but only with great hesitation. I takes a great leap of faith on my part to let go enough to call someone a friend. I took that leap because I was told I wasn't crazy and I was a person worth getting to know. I laid all my feelings out on the line, thinking I'd found a friend that could accept me as I am... or so I thought. There comes a point in any relationship where you reveal deep secrets about yourself feeling a sense of release and security knowing that you won't be judged. This time it was going to be different. Then the past comes back to bite you.

I don't know if I pushed the boundaries of friendship, if I said something that was hurtful or whether I was just being strung along. When I let people know what's really going on inside my head, it's with the understanding that my intent is just to bring my thoughts to the surface for a little airing out and playtime. Something is definitely up though. No one is returning my emails. I guess I must have hopped on the crazy train on the way to insanity. I'm tired of opening myself up to be hurt. You're supposed to learn from every situation and grow. What I've learned is it's better to keep my mouth shut and close myself off then to allow others to get too close and hurt me. I left myself wide open and vulnerable and was stomped on. It's going to take a while to trust again, if I ever get to that point again in this lifetime....

As always,
TOO

Ask, Believe, Recieve

Boy I love wine....

I'm sitting here watching the Oscars and drinking wine and getting that warm fuzzy feeling. There's nothing better than that warm fuzzy feeling...well, I can think of one.

I've been contemplating my life's purpose lately. I know what it is I'm here to do, at least I think I know what I'm here to do. My natural being is that of a healer. It is my purpose to help others. I'm cool with that. It's something I'm very good at. The problem I'm having is finding the medium in which to fulfill that purpose. I started out wanting to be a performer. It's something I always did growing up. I loved to play instruments, sing, act and dance and always managed to find an outlet to perform.

As I approached adulthood, performing is what I set my sights on. I lost my path for a short time while working to earn money. I realized very quickly that I wasn't happy and wanted to go back to college to earn a degree in performing arts. I figured it was a way to get experience and fulfill my other desire to get a degree. My step-father wasn't to keen on me getting a degree in theatre but I was determined to go for it. He told me he would not support my decision to earn a degree in performing arts but I didn't care. A couple weeks before I was to start back up again at a new school, my step-father died. How ironic. After my step-dad's death, my Mom confided in me that she always wanted me to follow my dream of performing and would do anything she could to support me. I did finish my degree and moved to NYC to pursue more skills and was accepted in a conservatory program.

I seemed to be on the right path and then everything changed. Through circumstances, I had to change my plans because of a back injury. I had to have surgery so I left the program. After the surgery while recuperating I had to get a job to support myself. I had always planned to go back to performing. My life took a different path. I got married, had a child and found I had even more responsibilities and put my dreams even further on the back-burner. The older I got, the more I began to thing that any career performing was just a fantasy. I now find my older and wanting to get back to want I originally wanted to do. but how do I start off performing after all these years. I know the kind of dedication it takes to succeed. Am I up for the task? I don't know but it's time to go for it! Maybe that's the wine talking, I don't care. May be the wine is just bringing to the surface what's always been there but I've been denying. I guess I'll know when I re-read this tomorrow. Let's see what the universe unfolds before me over the next few days...

As always,
TOO

???

How do you know when you are following your life's path? I feel as if I've been floundering for years. When I was in my early twenties, I knew exactly what I wanted and set out to attain my goals. I was progressing along nicely and then everything changed. I don't know how I lost my way. I had always planned to get back on track - it just didn't happen.

I had always wanted to be a performer. It's what I loved from the time I was little. It didn't matter if I was dancing, singing in chorus, performing on stage or in marching band. I loved to perform. There's a certain personality type that gets drawn into the performing arts. Frequently it's the introverted, intuitive types that get sucked in because it's a way to get attention they crave but are too shy to get it under normal circumstances. Usually there are self esteem issues so the performer must seek out self worth by what others think and project on them. I was no different. I longed to be the center of attention but didn't want to toot my own horn. You get to pretend to be someone else which allows you to do things you wouldn't normally do. I never felt so free as when I was performing. I felt unstoppable.

Years later, I am far removed from the stage. It's been years since I did any performing and I really miss it. At this point, it seems insurmountable to even consider performing again. I know what it takes to get back into it and I don't think I have the patience or energy to deal with all the egos anymore. The problem is, whenever I see a performance that's truly inspired by someone talented, those jealous heart strings start to get the better of me. "I could do that!!!" I could do that better!!" You see the joy and presence and want to be a part of it.

At this point in my life, I don't know what to do with myself. I love learning new things and using the creative parts of my brain. I want to have fun and add joy back into my life. It has been thrown in my face that we should "follow our bliss." I do believe that is the key to happiness. I just don't know what my bliss or passion is. there are so many things I want to do, I just can't pick one. So I sit here contemplating what I should do. I know that once I have a goal and know where I'm headed, everything will fall into place. I need to find that joy. Any suggestions?

As always,
TOO

I have just not felt like blogging lately. Nothing interesting has happened at all. I continue to be out of work from my theatre job. As a result, there's no extra cash flow to do anything. I sit at home surfing the internet or reading most of the time.. Granted, we all need a little down time but this is ridiculous. It's been almost three months and it may be another two or so months. It may be longer.

I had planned to use this time to figure out what I want to do. I keep getting great ideas, at least they seem great at the time and then get shot down by my roommate. I think it's time to get a new roommate. I feel as though I have anchors tied to my feet keeping me from taking off. I never planned for life to be this way. The last fifteen years have been so depressing. Yes, I've been through a lot and I wouldn't be the person I am today were it not for all the crap in my life.

When is it supposed to get good? I am tired of living for the future. I want to live in the now and enjoy every damn minute. I want to wake up every morning excited with anticipation for what the day will bring. I want to have fun everyday. There's only one problem; I have no idea what to do with myself. If I have a goal, I can get focused and take off. I have no goal and no passion at the moment. I am presently just existing. Would someone please shake me up and get me moving?

As Always,
TOO

Love?

I spent the better part of today reading posts on one of my favorite forums, the PPK. Someone had started a thread on National Depression Day or Valentine's Day for the Lonely. How is it that some find that person or at least always have someone's eyes to gaze in to and others just can't seem to find anyone? Then there are those who have someone but don't really want to be with them. Why is love so elusive? Have we over-romaticised relationships?

I know very few people that are totally happy with the one they're with. In fact I can count on one hand the couples that are truely happy. I don't know what they have over the rest of us. Maybe they won the lottery in the relationship department. I don't mean to sound bitter but I'm so tired of all the crap they show on TV about how wonderful love is. There's a commercial of couple sitting in front of a fountain; the man kneels down to propose to his wife to re-marry him. She turns around to find her parents and other family members waiting for her response, which is of course, yes! Everytime I see that commercial I scream st the TV "Don't do it!!" Far too many people get married these days. How do I know it's too many? Because the divorce rate is so high. It continues to hover around 50%. That's a big problem. I guess were in love with love and can't really see beyond the ceremony. I think some get married thinking "I'll do this for a while and see what happens." If you can't see yourself with your soon to be mate when you're old and wrinkly or sick and bed-ridden, then that's not love.

I just don't think people know what love is. When you truly love someone, you are at peace. You give and don't expect anything in return. It comes easy and natural. You don't have to think about it. When I hear people ask "how do you know it's love?" that means you have no clue. I don't think anyone has difficulty recognizing love for their children. Somehow we lose that inner knowledge when it smells wonderful and looks sexy. I do hope that i will be pleasantly surprised someday.

As always,
TOO

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

This Means War

I have had it! This virus, whatever it is has settled in my chest. I had a terrible time sleeping last night and woke up really cranky. Throughout the day I've been feeling all this crap in my chest. It hurts to cough and I have a strange taste in my mouth. I've been drinking hot tea and my top secret spicy hot lemonade. Actually it's not a secret - it's lemon juice, cayenne pepper, hot water and sweetened with a little maple syrup. Maybe I'll put some ginger in it next time. I wish I had a suction device and tubing so I can suck the mucos right out. I know that sounds gross but I really don't care right now.

Hot, Hot, Hot

Well, I tried to sleep in today knowing full well I need the extra rest to get over this cold. UnfortunateIy my body was not a willing participant in the rest department. I was up at 7am this morning. I hate it when I get sick. At least my throat doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday and my body is no longer achy. I spent as much time as I could resting throughout the day.

For dinner I made a Southwestern Chili Corn Soup with lots of hot peppers. Luckily the peppers opened up the sinuses. The problem with using hot peppers is the heat factor. You have to be very careful how you handle hot peppers - if the capsasin gets on your hands it can burn the skin...not to mention anything else you touch. The last couple times I used hot peppers I didn't wear gloves while choping them and had burning fingers the next couple days. Tonight I wore a glove on the hand that handled the peppers. The glove was a little too big for my hand so I had difficulty keeping the tips of the glove out of the knife's way. Don't worry, I didn't get any vinyl in the soup. The soup turned out rather nice for all.

As always,
TOO

I hab a code in my nose..

I never get sick but everyone around me is ill. People can drop like flies and I never catch it. So why on earth am I getting sick? I woke up with a sore throat this morning and have felt like crap all day today. I'm starting to get that achy feeling in my upper back, my arms feel heavy and I'm exhausted. I did not feel like doing anything today but I had a work study day today. I managed to get through the day and now I'm at home having a pity party. I should go to bed but I'm restless so here I sit typing nonsense. It doesn't matter what I write because no one is reading it anyway.

Nothing else to add. Have a good one.

As always,
TOO

Everybody Dance!

Last night I braved the cold and made my way to Madison Square Garden for a concert. I hadn't been to a concert since i took my youngest last year to see Billy Joel. I went with my friend Jessica to see Justin Timberlake. Yes ladies and gents, I love JT! Now you all know my secret. I've had this thing for JT for years - ever since his NSYNC days. I know boy bands are now passe, but how could I not be enamored with guys singing and dancing. Say what you will but as far as harmonies go, NSYNC was a vocally tightknit group. Of course there was all the "lip-syncing" controversies in the past but I can assure you I've heard them sing a capella live.

Last night at the Garden was the place to be. Even the Donald was there a few rows ahead. In the past it was hip to make fun of Mr. Timberlake but even the New York Times has reported that it's now very cool among the older hipsters to like Justin. There was a much older crowd then I've seen in the past. Where were you all five years ago? I was enjoying his music before it was even cool. You all are poser fans!

The concert was great - a very nice mix of singing, dancing and sitting at the keyboards crooning away. JT always manages to have the crowd in the palm of his hand. There was a couple songs from the last album and many from the new. It's amazing to be in the crowd for his concerts - they are fully an audience participation event. JT can sing any of his songs, stop mid-phrase and the audience will complete it. He frequently has the audience sing the chorus. I love it when he teaches the audience a phrase and melody and then sings on top while we provide the backup. What more could you ask for?

So if you see me, don't make fun of my love for JT. When you are in the audience, and participate in the experience, then we'll talk. Until then, keep your comments to yourself!

As always,
TOO

In the Dumps!

I don't know what my problem is. I seem to go from feeling pretty good to feeling lousy. Actually I do know why. Sometimes you want something, something you were so close to and within reach but you just can't have it, for whatever reason. There was something I really wanted but didn't get. I am reminded of it often. I know I should let it go but a part of me wants to keep holding on to whatever part I can keep. It's not healthy.

The other problem is something else I need to get rid of. I'm ready to get it out of my life but I don't know how. It would cause a great hardship but I know deep down inside it's the right thing to do. No one can help me with either of these problems. it's mine to conquer. Neither of these problems are unique to anyone. I know I must work on both of these problems if I am to grow as a person.

This is my mission this year.

Wish me luck!

As always,
TOO

BRRrrrrrrr!

It is cold. Damn cold! The wind chills have dipped below 0 these past couple days. This is the type of weather where you want to stay inside in front of a fireplace and eat comfort food. A companion would be nice to go along with that but let's not be greedy.

Before I lived in NYC, I never really thought about the cold weather much. When you live in a car society, the only time you spend out in the cold is to and from the car. Here in New York, unless you are among the wealthy with a driver to take you everywhere, you have no choice but to go out into the cold. To accomplish this feat, layer upon layer of clothing must be donned. By the time you have on the long underwear, clothing, the sweater, sweatshirt, pullover then jacket, scarf and hat, you are a massive, puffy blob. You can't hear or see. If you need to go shopping, navigating through a store is next to impossible. You can't walk by a shelf without knocking something over - but with all the layers on, you can't feel or hear that you've done anything. To compare, I imagine it would be like wearing one of those theme park character costumes - you need a guide to get around and if you're not careful, you could knock over a small child. You'd never know.

I shouldn't be complaining. So far we've had a very mild winter. Only a couple of weeks ago we reached a high of 72 degrees. But does the temperature have to be so extreme? These are the days I wish I lived back in Southern California. The only time I was able to experience the cold and snow when I live there was when we went to the mountains. I remember one winter around my birthday, I went with a friend to the beach. I think the outside temperature was a balmy 75 but the water temp was unbearable. But who cared? We were at the beach in January! Those were the days. When I remember those times, it makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here in NYC. Now I know why so many that live here travel to Florida at ths time of year. I think it's time to start planning my getaway or move....

As always,
TOO

Cupcakes for All!

I am obsessed with cupcakes right now. Well, actually I've always been obsessed over cupcakes but I was sidetracked for a little while. It's time to get back in my groove. These are the cupcakes I made yesterday. I've been thinking about taking a cake decorating class so I can expand on my skills. I had been in Cupcake Cafe earlier in the day to look at their cupcakes because they have beautiful presentation but their cupcakes leave a lot to be desired. They tend to be very dry and hard.

I've always loved baking. My mom taught me how to cook and bake at a very early age and left me unsupervised in the kitchen very young. This could have turned into a tragedy but I've only been burned badly once when I was eight and I tried to cut my finger off at fifteen but those are stories for another time. When I was a young adult, I worked a national donut chain. That's where I honed my skills in baking bringing organization and speed into the mix. I haven't worked in the food industry for many, many years but I still use some of the tricks I learned. While I worked for the donut chain, I was the muffin, cookie, brownie person. I seemed to have been relegated to this task because the product I turned out was very consistent. Some people got it... some don't. I guess I'm one of the ones that have it, whatever it is.

I always want to go to cooking school because I have a thing for food. I love to look at it, buy it, prepare it, cook it and then eat it. Because I was introduced to the kitchen at such an early age, I've never been intimidated by cooking and baking. I'm addicted to buying cookbooks. Trying out new recipes is how I relax. The fun part is putting my own unique spin on a recipe to make it my own. Changing a recipes is fairly easy to do in cooking; baking however, is a different animal. Baking is all about chemistry. You can adjust the flavors fairly easy but you have to be careful with your leavening agents otherwise you can end up with something you can use as a blunt object or have it fall apart before you ever get it to the plate.

This past year, my baking went in another direction when I decided to give up animal products. Yes, I decided to go vegan. I can't say that it's been easy and I haven't been 100% vegan. There's been some fish a few times and every once in a while I will try a bite of a baked item from a high end bakery mostly because I want to feel the texture and taste the flavor. Then I think on how I can veganize it. I have a fabulous brownie recipe that I'm working on. When I get it right, it will be death by chocolate!

So here's to cupcakes for one and all!

As always,
TOO