I had so many plans for the new year. Not resolutions but goals - plans to focus on for the year. My biggest goal was to let my friends know how much I appreciate and love them - something I don't have a problem doing because I really do love my friends...most of them anyway.

Love is a funny thing, if you can call it a thing. I had my weekly lunch with a friend a couple days ago. We always go to the same place. The owner was sitting in the dining area preparing packaged items to be delivered to area stores while her husband worked in the back preparing food. My friend asked her how she met her husband and suddenly her eyes lit up and a huge smile spread across her face. She started to giggle as she told the story of how they met in a dance class. She was working on a one woman show and had taken a tap class - he happen to be the instructor. It was all she could do to contain herself in the class, giggling and flirting all the way through. He didn't notice her during the class. After class, she got up the nerve to introduce herself after class. He moved in a week later.

I guess it can happen that fast. I've never seen it. I'm not very good at flirting. Most of the time I ignore any man's attempt to get to know me because I have a basic distrust of men. Make that straight men. All of my male friends are gay so I don't have to watch out for ulterior motives. Correction, I have one male friend other than my roommate that is straight. He's the only straight man I haven't run away from and there's no reason to run because we don't live in the same town anymore. Usually when a man comes on strong or gets to close and invades my personal space, I retreat. How is it I only have one straight male friend? Probably because all of the men I know are gay. But this brings me back to the straight guy. I didn't run away because I couldn't. I don't mean that I literally couldn't move - I didn't want to run because I was so fascinated by this person. He made me laugh and I will never run away from a laugh.

Is it possible for men and women to be friends without the sexual tension underneath? You tell me. I haven't had enough experience being friends with men that aren't gay. I think it's possible. There's still those times that I begin to question it all. I was at a party recently and there was a couple there - the wife I've know forever and her husband I've only met a few times over the years. For some reason, I started to feel very uncomfortable around her husband. He wasn't saying anything wrong - it was his body language. Every time I turned around, he was there. He would start up a conversation and then lean in as if it was too loud in the room and he had to get closer for me to hear him. It started to creep me out. As I mentioned, I'm not very good at flirting but I can tell when someone is coming on a little too strong. I can read body language. When I start to get that kind of signal, I squash it as quickly as I can, usually by not acknowledging the person until they give up. Luckily the party wasn't too long and on my way out the door, there was the obligatory hugs to everyone. Wouldn't you know it, this guy made sure to get a long-ass hug and then planted a big one on me before I could get away. And right in front of his wife! Why couldn't it have been someone I was at least attracted to.

This leads me to the question of what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? As I said, I'm not very good at flirting so when a man I'm attracted to starts to pay any attention to me I can't help myself. I become possessed and will do anything I can to keep the attention focused on me. I am so transparent it's laughable. There was once this man I really wanted to get to know better - I don't mean friends - I mean KNOW. I did my best to remain calm and collected but I'm sure he knew what I was thinking. To a certain extent, I think he encouraged it and was sending signals back that he was interested as well but the both of us were too chicken to do anything. It sure made for a good time whenever we were in the same room together. Boy, I wish I could go back and do it all over again. More than likely i would make the same choices and nothing would happen. Oh well. That's what fantasies are for...

As always,
TOO