Money Makes the World Go 'Round

We're all familiar with the song from "Cabaret." As much as we tell ourselves that it's "not about the money".... it usually is - whether it's not having enough, spending too much on credit, trying to make more, feeling guilty for having it, hording it and being stingy or looking down upon those that don't have it. We all have certain feelings about it.

I grew up squarely middle-class - there was always food on the table and I never had to worry about my next meal. The mentality was "take care of others." I was always bringing friends home for a meal. My mother grew up during the depression. She would occasionally talk about not having enough but was never graphic about it. Living through that time period taught her to save and be thrifty... sometimes a little too thrifty. We had a drawer of plastic bags - the bags you put produce in. She would rinse them out, air dry, then put them in the drawer for later use. They were used over and over until they fell apart. She had a jar of various buttons - all shapes, colors and sizes. I knew if I ever lost a button, all I had to do was look through the jar, find what best matched and walla!! Everything was saved because you never knew when you might need it - something I took to heart. Unfortunately it made me a bit of a pack rat and have issues to this day with letting go of things and thoughts.

I didn't think I had issues around money but it's become apparent that I do. Money came easily to me growing up. Very rarely did I ever have to look for a job - they tended to follow me. I can only think of four times in my life where I actually had to look for work. There was always enough money - not rich by any means but I could always put food on the table and pay my bills. But something happened over the years. My attitude toward money changed. My thoughts evolved from, "money is fun, it will come, don't worry about it" to "how am I going to afford that, there goes my savings, I'll just have to do without, I'm gonna have to find a way to cut back even more..." What happened over the years???

If you look at the Law of Attraction... I have brought every circumstance into my life - positive and negative. So what does that say about me? What have been my thoughts surrounding money? For years I was in a relationship with a person who's constant thoughts were, "we'll never have enough and we can't afford that." Those thoughts became my own. Why did I believe them? My reality confirmed the statement. That is what I attracted into my life. If there was one thing I was good at attracting was lack. Lack abounded everywhere... from my friends constantly talking about having no money, attracting more debt, working more hours to earn more money - only to have expenses increase correspondingly.

I worked for companies that told me "this is all I can pay you.... take it or leave it." So I took it thinking I should be lucky to have any income at all, I'll just have to get another job to supplement my income. With that way of thinking, I set up the circumstances with the belief that the only way I could make more money was to work two or three jobs or take work I hated simple to pay the bills. After all, isn't this what society tells us to do??? If you are responsible, you will work as many hours as it takes to make ends meet. I've spent the last twenty years working myself into the ground because that's what I was supposed to do. I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy to work 50 - 60 hours a week.

So how does one change from a lackful environment to one of abundance? For as long as I can remember, I have been aware of the saying, "Do what you love and the money will follow." Judging by my current financial circumstances, it's apparent my mind doesn't truly believe that saying. The things I love to do end up costing me money rather than bringing it in. I look to those that have turned their lives around and are now living in abundance. The common advice is:

1. Change your way of thinking (duh... I think I know that one, LOL).
2. Be grateful and appreciative for what you have right now (don't I know it and boy am I ever!).
3. Believe that the money is coming (much harder for me these days).
4. Take inspired action (when inspired, I do.... but why do I get bored so quickly?).
5. Surround yourself with positive people (yes, Yes, YES! But what about those negative folks I love?).
6. Listen to that inner voice (thank you Neale Donald Walsh for the reminder).
7. Don't be afraid to take a risk (even if 'it' fails, you still learn something valuable).
8. Keep dreaming (it's what keeps us going!).
9. Do it with gusto (if not, why do it at all)!
10. LOVE!!

I'll keep you all posted!!

The Process of Process Part 3

"What do you want?"

"What do you want your life to be like a year from now and how would that make you feel?"

Two very loaded questions I hear over and over again. You would think by now I'd have a very well thought out answer. I never said I knew the answers. Using the Law of Attraction is a process in and of itself. Some days it's easier said than done. Yes - I understand the ramifications of "thoughts become things" - it brings with it a huge sense of responsibility (and to be honest - a little anxiety). Sometimes I'm afraid of my own thoughts and where they might lead.

When I was a young adult, I didn't really think about manifestation... Going after my dreams was not so scary because I still had a mother at home that would take me in if I failed (which she never had to do). "LOA" was not part of my vocabulary however but I had always heard the phrase "like attracts like." What that meant to me was if I was in a bad mood, it would be reflected back to me with everyone I encountered. These days, the idea of being able to manifest anything I desire is frightening with thoughts of, "What kind of time will it involve? Will it take me away from other things I want to do?"

So what is it I really want? The stock answer most people give is "a million dollars!" Don't get me wrong - a million dollars would be great! After Uncle Sammy gets his cut, I'd have about $655,000 left... I have no idea what New York State would take... But it's not really a dollar amount I want - it's about the freedom it entails: the freedom to go anywhere in the world when I feel like it, the time to spend learning a new skill, the means to give to others and the peace of mind knowing all my needs are taken care of (a home fully paid for, transportation when I need it, food, clothing, etc...).

I grew up with the notion that time+work+sacrifice = money... in other words, the greater amount of time and energy I put in would equal correspondingly to the amount of money I would have. I never had a problem finding jobs - they always found me! I collected too many of them taking up an enormous amount of my time and energy and yet I could never get ahead. Until very recently, I had three jobs and no time, no energy and still no extra money.... so the theory ingrained in my head has been proven wrong time and time again.

So I sit here and think, "What can I do differently to have the life I want?" The answer is to have fun, enjoy the present and be appreciative of what you have - all stuff I've been working on the past year. I do have a little more time but my income has gone down and my debt has gone up (yikes!). I seem to be going in the opposite direction of where I want to be. The things I enjoy doing are becoming increasingly more difficult to do. Even my passion for cooking and sharing it with others has taken a back seat because there are weeks I can't afford the ingredients for the recipes I want to make. I haven't quite figured out how to change the equation so that passion (pursuing your dreams) = time AND money.

Perhaps it is just me keeping myself from realizing my dreams because I am afraid of the responsibility and time it will entail, not to mention the expenses it takes to get there. Changing my reality is an ongoing process - one that involves a great deal of patience and understanding on my part.

Ah... the joys of being human embroiled in the contrasts of life!

Divine Intervention

You never know where inspiration will come from… sometimes it just falls into your lap or mixes up on your plate.

The last couple days I was thinking about ribs, which is… for me… rather odd. It’s not something I normally eat more than once or twice a year. Don’t get me wrong – I love BBQ but being a city gal, I don’t have an outdoor grill.

A colleague had mentioned buying ribs and cooking them in the oven at home. Hmmmm…. Oven method huh? Never really thought about cooking ribs in the oven… doesn’t seem appetizing. So now I had ribs on the brain.

When I got home from work, I scoured the internet looking for a good recipe for oven ribs. So much information out there. Parboil… or not to parboil. Rub? What about sauce? Kansas City, St. Louis or Memphis style? I never really knew the difference (and I lived in St. Louis for several years). I’d always had ribs with BBQ sauce but have now come to understand that some are served without sauce.

So then the question went out to my foodie friends on Facebook. Everyone has their own particular way of doin’ up their ribs. A friend suggested a vinegar-based dipping sauce and sent an old family recipe. I’ve never used a “dipping” sauce but it sure looked good. Then I was off to find a basic tomato-based BBQ sauce in the internet that actually used tomato sauce rather than ketchup. I settled on one that looked relatively simple. Next was finding a dry rub recipe. Again I looked for something simple that I could easily vary the ingredients for a different flavor.

The next day, I put my list together, picked up the ribs on a break from work along with various spices I was missing in my pantry. When I got home (very late and tired), I blended my dry rub and prepped the ribs to sit overnight in the fridge. The following day I would have time to make the sauces and cook the ribs “low and slow” in the oven.

The day came for ribs!!! I went to work for a few hours and then came home to start my culinary adventure. Since the ribs were wrapped in foil and ready to go, I only needed to pop them in the oven at 250 degrees and leave them alone for the next 2 ½ - 3 hours. Next was the tomato-based sauce. I sautéed my onions and garlic, added the tomato sauce and paste and measured out my molasses and spices… but it sure seemed like a lot of cayenne pepper. I like “heat” but I have to be careful of others who do not like very much spicy heat. I checked the recipe again… sure enough, it said 1 teaspoon and the comments on the recipe said, “just the right amount of heat.” Okay, 1 teaspoon it is.

I mixed it all up in the saucepan… it was very thick and not like a sauce at all – more like a paste. Did I miss anything?? I double checked. No, everything was in. Now for a quick taste… WHOA!!! All I could feel was the cayenne pepper on my tongue, obliterating any taste the sauce could possibly have. That had to have been a typo in the recipe. I quickly doubled up on all my other ingredients EXCEPT cayenne. Ewwww, it was still beyond hot and a very thick paste. I added water until it was a consistency I thought was “sauce-like.” Still no decrease in the heat. In went more sugar, vinegar, worcestershire sauce and still more. It was finally palatable but not very good in my opinion… oh well.

Next I made my friend’s dipping sauce… YUM!! It was so good I couldn’t help dipping my finger in over and over.

Fast forward a couple hours – ribs were done in the oven, just had to put them under the broiler for a few minutes to crisp them up. Then came the moment of truth. I served up a plate of ribs with collard greens and a corn muffin. I asked what sauce the boyfriend wanted to try… he tasted the tomato based one – BLECH…. Total failure. He went with the dipping sauce.

I served up my plate and put the dipping sauce and a spoonful of the BBQ sauce on my plate thinking it might taste better with the ribs. It was okay but the dipping sauce was amazing. I sent off a quick email to my friend, thanking him for the recipe. I went back to my plate to continue eating and noticed some of the dipping sauce had spread into the BBQ sauce. Oh well, let’s see how the blend tastes… HOLY COW!!!! This was amazing!! I asked my boyfriend to try the mixture of both… which he didn’t really want to do but did anyway. His eyes almost popped out of his head, “This is great!!! Better than any BBQ sauce I’ve ever tasted!!”

I emailed my friend back to tell him what had happened. It was an accident… a divine intervention turning a complete failure into triumph!!!

The question is, can I duplicate what I did…..

The Process of Process, part 2

Did I mention I like to process?? Interesting things have been happening the last few days. I will attempt to make sense of it here with the hope it may help someone else...

So I've been having trouble finding the passion and inspiration. It's frustrating for someone who wishes to create... knows what they want to create but can't find the drive to get started. What the hell am I waiting for?? For the energy to start flowing damn it!!

I decided to just leave it alone since I wasn't getting anywhere. Last Friday, I was a bit annoyed with everything. Yes... even I wake up on the wrong side of bed. When that happens, I get a bit snarky and adversarial. Okay, a lot snarky. I decided to leave early so I could walk to work (about an hour). On the way, I stopped off at the neighborhood news stand to play the Mega Millions. Anyone that knows me can attest I don't play the lottery... I feel it's a waste of money that could go towards something else. Anyhoo, I decided to play anyway as the jackpot was $333 million.

I put down my $2, go my ticket and was off to work. As I was walking along, I started to think what I could do with that kind of money. I'd already started thinking about what I could do with a million, thanks to my friend Jack and had also seen this crazy video earlier in the day from this in-your-face guy telling me "You may have lost your job.. but don't lose your dream" on Facebook. His words triggered a few things inside. So I decided to play the prosperity game..

With $333 million, I figured 50% Uncle Sammy, leaving me with $165 million. That's a lot of dough!!! Here's what I would do:

1. pay off all debt
2. buy a place to live (fully paid for)
3. set up trust funds for both children
4. set money aside for savings
5. set aside money for fun
6. think of philanthropic ways to give away the rest, helping others find and live their dreams.

But why stop there? I began to think about how my life would be different if money was abundant in my life...

I would combine my passions and travel the world, eating, learning about different foods and cultures and share the info with others, making new friends along the way through writing and video. Then I started to think about my current situation... money is an issue... but I can still write and talk about food. Then the thought crossed my mind I could write honestly about how I feed myself well and not spend a lot of money.

Why not set up a challenge for myself?? I could write about how much I spend on food, the ingredients and the recipes and keep it within a certain budget proving that one can eat well balanced, healthy, nutritious meals living in a small apartment, with little space in NYC. I'd have to be completely honest, maybe change the names to protect the innocent but I'll make a game of it and see what happens...

And then something did happen.... I started to realize I was having fun!!! I found myself getting excited over the possibilities. Ideas started zipping around inside my head. Oh lord, I was feeling passionate about the idea and having inspired thoughts!!! The creative block started to lift....

I don't want to give it all away, you will see soon enough. Needless to say, I did not win the lottery but I gotta great return on a $2 investment... all it really took was a dollar (or two) and a dream...

The Process of Process, part 1

Ideas come and go but some just stick with ya. I always come up with interesting and fun things to do... or so they seem at the time of inspiration. The idea is the easy part... putting into practice is something entirely different... for me anyway.

I've had this idea for a while... for years actually and have never got past the development phase. I love food - everything about it. I love to talk about it, try new ones, cook it, share it, you name it. It would seem a likely conclusion that I would start to put together a cookbook with all the recipes I've collected and devised over the years. I have a few ideas for different cookbooks in fact.

So why on earth can't I get started??

I'm a smart chic, I have skillz and I now have time. The resources are coming together, folks have offered to help in various capacities and I have support up the wazoo. So what's the problem?

The only thing I can think of is fear of failure or being judged. But I don't think that's really it. It's the passion that's missing. When I feel passionate about something, there's no stopping me - failure is not an option.

So how do I find the passion?

Friends have suggested I just get started and the passion will find me. Honestly, I feel like a little kid screaming, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna!" Maybe I'm just scared of the whole process because the task is overwhelming. I know, I know - take it one step at a time.

So here's my first step:

I want to start a blog about putting the cookbook together. Rather than put it all here, I've been trying to come up with a new name for the blog and am just clueless. I figured this would be the easiest part but it seems this is the key to me getting started. I could be wrong. Perhaps I'll come up with another excuse for not doing what I set out to do.

As some of my LOA friends would say, "if your having trouble getting started, you're not in alignment with it."

Uhhh... duh!

I recall hearing "if you're unclear about what to do, the next step is to do nothing."

So that's my excuse... I'm unclear and can't find the passion, other than write about the process of the process. Until then, I'll keep processing until I process.

The Brilliance of Youth

My children are brilliant. I know where they got it from (hee hee). But really.... I am amazed at what comes out of their mouth at such a young age, especially the sixteen year old.

At an age where hormones are raging, emotions run all over the place and independence is exerting itself, there are observations on how things work that I find hilarious and spot on... as only a sixteen year old can describe.

My youngest was upset...angry is more like it... at his father and brother. He had plans to do his "own thing" this weekend (whatever that was). Instead, his plans were disrupted so that his father and brother could do what they wanted. I think we can all imagine what it's like to be the sixteen year old having the rug pulled out from underneath.

For the next 30 minutes, I was his captive audience while he let it fly. It went something like this:

"Why does everyone else get to do what they want and what I want isn't important? I had plans... there was stuff I wanted to do this weekend and just because they want me to do what they want, my whole weekend is ruined. Nobody ever considers my feelings. I'm always the one who has to compromise. My brother always gets to do what he wants. If Dad asks him to do something and he doesn't feel like it, then he doesn't do it... nobody can make him do anything. But I always have to do what everyone else says. It's not fair. There's no reason why I can't do the things I planned other than Dad doesn't want me to."

It went on.... but you get the general idea. Instead of saying a word, I just listened. Which is something you just need to do with your kids. I didn't take what he said personally... he had to let it out so he could let the anger go.

When his rant was over, since his plans were changed, what did he want to do now..

"I don't know."

"Well... what do you think you would enjoy? What sounds like fun?"

"I don't know. What is fun anyway...?"

"Huh. Good question. How can we figure this out?"

"I don't know... there are too many thoughts in my brain flying around. I can't just pick one."

"What do you mean"

"My brain is like a big room. The walls on either side have velcro and my thoughts are like little balls bouncing and flying around with bits of velcro on them. When one of them sticks to the wall.... I have a thought I can hold onto."

Did he just say what I think he said???? What a perfect analogy for the confusing thoughts that run through our minds, waiting for us to grasp onto and make sense of.

So I said, "Or it can also be like the little lottery balls flying around in the box... when one finally pops up and can be read..... DING - I have a thought!"

He nodded in agreement. When did he become so brilliant?? So I took it a step further... we get angry or frustrated, sometimes you have too many balls bouncing around inside your mind, some of them sticking, then getting knocked off by another one, etc.... It becomes too much to deal with and overwhelming. Sometimes ya gotta open the window and let some of them fly out so they can become more manageable....

Yeah.... I like that!! My son is brilliant.... now time to get rid of some balls!

and yes.... we had fun the rest of the evening.

Connecting to the past...

There comes a point in everyone's life that mortality sets in... not in a bad way mind you. Time moves faster and faster and then you begin to realize there's a finite time to this plane of existence - sorta makes you prioritize the things important in your life and conclude a lot of crap we put ourselves through just isn't important anymore.

For this reason - the last few weeks have caused me to reconnect to the past.... in a strange attempt to make sense of where I've been and where I want to go. Not too long ago I posted the story of finding my mother's recipe boxes and all the memories it brought back. Yesterday I was going through some boxes of old photographs and ran across a particular item that sent me for a loop.

I found a memorial card from my father's funeral in a metal box. I've been trying to find some connection to my father for years because he died when I was little. The only memories I have of him were his last year, mostly being ill and the last time I saw him in the hospital a day or so before he died. I could never remember the time of year when he passed but for some reason had always thought it was in the Spring.

I looked at the date on the card... July 31, 1968. The date means nothing for most but July 31st is my youngest son's birthday. My Dylan was born exactly twenty-five years to the day my father passed.

Coincidence?? I guess so... but for me it was profound. This was the first time I've felt a wink and a nudge from father and a reminder that he's still around keeping an eye out for me. I'm beginning to wonder what I will discover next.

The adventure has just begun...

A brand new start!

Wow.... it's been a very long time since I've posted anything here. So long in fact I forgot I had started this blog.

As I looked back to see what I had written, I could see the pain I was going through and trying to cover it up with sarcasm and wit. Truth be told, I'm not the best writer and not witty enough to use sarcasm as well as other. But I'm hoping to get better.

I decided a few days a go I would resurrect this blog, perhaps change the focus to include things I'm more passionate about - food and the process of becoming ???. I'll use the question marks because I'm not really sure what I'm becoming. What I know for sure is I'm much happier these days even though the days are not perfect. I have people (and a person) in my life I love a great deal. I've made a ton of new friends through social media, caught up with a few from the past and am doing my best to stay in touch with everyone.

I've found my law of attraction folks.... or they found me.... or we were attracted to each other.... you get the picture. I've been in discussions about Abraham-Hicks (always lively) and have even been to a couple workshops.

What I hope to accomplish with this blog is talk about the process of becoming, however that will turn out. The adventure has begun.... hope to see you on the other side!
xoxo