A Crappy Story

The call started out great – “Thank you for cooking the amazing dinner – it’s so yummy!!”…then something went wrong…

He: OMG let me tell you… people keep giving me their crap and I have so much crap already!!

Me: Well stop grabbing a hold of it… your hands aren’t big enough and there’s no room for any more crap at home.

He: You don’t get it – I have all this crap and don’t know what to do about it.

Me: Throw it away.

He: Geez – you just don’t get it… you’re an idiot!!  I’m hanging up!!

Me: I get home to see a large, steaming pile of crap in the middle of the floor.

He: See????  Didn’t I tell you how much crap this is???

Me: Yup… that’s certainly a big pile of crap for you to clean up.

He: What??? Can’t you help me?? 

He takes another bucket out and dumps more crap on the floor.

Me: Why are you bringing in more crap??

He: I still have more buckets to unload.  I told you I had a lot of crap.  It’s not only mine but all the crap I brought home from work!!

Me: You need to stop dumping the crap.

He: But I want you to see it ALL so you’ll understand.

Me: Oh, I understand completely.  It smells like shit in here.

He: I know!!  It stinks so bad.  Smell this steamy bucket too!!

Me: Stop it and clean up the mess.

He: I can’t!!!  I want you to sit here until you understand how bad this crap is.

Me: Oh I know… I could smell it all the way home.  I’ve had it.  If you want to live in the crap, it’s your business.  You brought the crap home  - it’s your responsibility.  I suggested throwing it out and cleaning the floor but I can see you want to stomp around in it and track it all over the apartment…. which will then take a lot of time and energy to clean up.  I’m out.

He: But wait…. What happened to all this “love” you talk about?  Why are you not helping me?  You’re not loving and supporting me and my crap!!! 

To be continued…

Getting Intimate...

(Originally written Novmeber 29th, 2010)

Today I went for a professional bra fitting at the encouragement of a very close, long-time friend. She insisted it would change my life. And I believe it has!

I had never been to Intimacy but had heard it was "the place" to go. I wasn't quite sure what to expect... I've been in places where there take out the tape measure, tell you "this is your size" and then try on countless bras, narrowing it down to finding one you can put up with... hoping you won't feel strangled by the end of the day.

You walk in and it looks like a little boutique. They have some clothing and swimsuits... but the bras are not hanging on racks for you to browse through, pick out and take back to the dressing rooms. First things first...

Before a fitting can be done, a questionnaire is filled out so that they know your particular concerns/problems, the size of the bra you are wearing and what you are looking for in a bra. Then you are assigned a fitter.

You are taken to a dressing room where your fitter goes over your questionnaire. It is explained they do a "holistic fitting" which consists of looking at you in your bra, how it supports, how it actually fits and then suggesting what size you are - no tape measure.... so you are relying on the skill and knowledge of your fitter. Okay... the test is in the fit and how it looks. I went in wearing a fairly new bra... a 36D. I have bras in my drawer from 34D to 38C.. depending on my weight. My fitter looked at the bra, tested how snug the band was and determined the cup size was correct for me with that band but the band size was too loose. She suggested a 34 band and since I was going down in band size, she would go up a cup size (34DD).

I particularly wanted an everyday bra and was looking for comfort (and also wanted something pretty). My boobs were in her hands....

She came back with three different bras... and wanted to check for fit and comfort. All fit very well and already seemed an improvement from what I came in wearing. She left the room again and came back with several bras of different brands. She wanted to make sure I tried on various styles to find the one perfect for me. All of the bras were comfortable... but I also had to be aware of the prices. There were several I thought were wonderful AND gorgeous... but were also $120 - $176 (definitely out of my price range). She brought in another batch of bras and one stood out... lacy and pretty. She said the cups tended to run a little small so the cup was a size bigger... It fit perfectly.

I put on my shirt and went out to see my friend...

"That's the one!"

It was made by Fantasie... and $76. This was more than I wanted to to spend but figured this would be my Christmas present to myself. It was suggested that one should have 6 - 7 bras to rotate, never wear one more than 2 - 3 times before washing, never put them in the dryer (I never do) and never use a detergent that has alcohol in it.

I found my bra... in a 34E. It seems ridiculous to wear that size... the girls are just not that big... but I guess size is relative. I can also take the bra in to have the straps altered for free (my left strap always seems to be a problem and falls down). A bra really is an investment. Hopefully I can pick up a few more less expensive bras to rotate through the wardrobe over the next few weeks now that I am armed with more bra knowledge as to how one is supposed to fit!

**Addendum**

A week or so after my life changing moment (and wearing my super bra around town), I headed to Bloomingdales armed with my newly acquired foundation knowledge. I was going to add another bra to my wardrobe. I picked up several contenders in my size and headed to the dressing room. I couldn't wait to see what they looked like...

To my dismay, not one bra fit right. Too big, too tight, wrong style. I thought knowledge was power but apparently not so when finding the right bra... at least not in my case. This truly is a job left to the professionals. Maybe it's an age thing - you get past 40, having had children and the "girls" just don't look like they used to and need far more pampering. Not to mention, if you're going to spend more than $70 and up, why not get the royal treatment?

Just please, PLEASE.. don't have me try on and fall in love with the $200 bra!!

The Winds of Change

Sometimes you feel it rumbling for quite a while before it gets there. You know it's coming and not quite sure how you feel.

Change is good. It keeps us on our toes, let's us know when we're on the wrong path and gives us a chance to find THE path.

There are times when you are beckoned down that road knowing full well it will be difficult journey that may not end the way you would like.... but you take it anyway. You grow, have fun, learn, make new friends, find old ones and deal with the heartbreak you know is coming.

No one can change who you are but they can certainly bring to light the things you do not like in yourself or others and force you to make a choice. Frequently you don't want to make that choice because you know how it will affect those around you.

And sometimes you decide to make a change and then something happens to redirect you yet again... a pleasant surprise. That has happened many times over the years.

One of the biggest obstacles to change is fear... fear of what may or may not happen. There's the fear of failure which prevents many of us from making any changes in our lives. The other obstacle? Responsibility. Plain and simple. We don't make the changes necessary fearing the responsibility it will entail. It's easy to come up with excuse after excuse and never move forward or get what you truly want... and then it leads to more complaining and frustration.

Some of us play the "if only" game. If I had just made the other choice, I wouldn't be here or maybe I would have what I want. "If only" serves no purpose but to remind us that we have choices... choices to make each and every moment of every day. You can choose to move towards what you want, choose what someone else told you is the right one or not choose at all (inaction is a choice as well).

The only way to know is to choose....

What are you waiting for??

To be continued.......

The Ass Has it!

This post goes back three years... an oldie but a goodie. Reading about the subway and people this evening caused this file to come up in my brain so I'm sharing...

I must have a sign on my forehead that says "please ask me; I will help." It doesn't matter where I am, a street corner, the subway platform, even as a tourist in another city; I will be the one people approach to ask for direction or help. I don't know why but it's been like that my whole life. I've often wondered why I'm the one people approach. What makes them pick me over everyone else? Is it the look on my face? Do I look non-threatening?

Someone once said I look like I know what's going on. How does one look like that? I think it must be the energy that surrounds me. It must be very inviting. Whatever job I'm at, I'm the one that people come to for advice - as if I'm an authority on anything. I have a way of encouraging people to open up and tell me their deepest, darkest secrets and the funny thing is, I don't do anything. Somehow I instinctively ask the right questions that illuminate the crux of the problem and head them in the right direction for the answers they need. And I reiterate, I don't so anything. I feel like the guy in the Kleenex commercial with his couch set up outdoors and then random people sit down and open up with whatever is bothering them.

I guess what it comes down to is I'm a great listener. I would much rather listen most of the time than worry what I'm going to say. Not that I don't like to comment or add my two cents here or there. The only time I don't like listening is when the other person won't let me get a word in edgewise or they babble on and on without saying anything.

Now this is completely off topic but I want to bitch a moment about riding the subway. This is not an affront to mass transit but the people that ride the subway. This morning I was lucky enough to get a seat as I entered the train. I sat down next to a large person on my right. This person wasn't exceptionally large but definitely overweight. Most of the trains have these indented seats on the bench - basically to let you know where you butt is supposed to go. I think these were made this way to keep people from taking up too much room. However, this does not stop people from spilling over their allotted space. I am not condemning large people but it is very annoying when those larger individuals take up two or three spaces. What's even worse is when a big person decides they are going to sit in between two people when it's obvious they are not going to fit. They didn't get this large overnight, so how is they have no body/spatial awareness? If you are a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon, you're not going to fit through the Lincoln tunnel while inflated. It's simple physics.

Back to this morning...I was sitting there minding my own business when I saw this very large ass getting closer to me. This ass belonged to a very, very large person who decided they were going to fit in between me and another person in the designated tiny hiney seat. I don't know what this ass was thinking but I was trying not to get sat on. As it turned out, the ass could not fit, (duh) so the ass landed on the edge of the seat trying to keep from falling off. Wouldn't it have been better not to try to force their way in? So now I'm mushed in between two people, determined not to give up my seat because I was there first. When I finally got to my stop, I had to wedge myself out between the two large ones. Unfortunately I did not have any Vaseline. I managed to get up and as I left the subway car, sure enough, the ass sat all the way back on the bench, taking up two seats! Ah me...

The Fantasy

It takes its toll...

What is wanted,

What was experienced and

What was never fully realized.

Nothing should compare

But that's where it always returns.

Focus is on what doesn't exist or has ceased to be.

Reality is invisible, ever changing and completely unstable.

Therefore the mind returns to what is known.

It can't grasp the rope consistently offered nor

Jump into the boat as

It always believes it will not support

Or something better exists than what is.

The reality becomes non-existent and

Evolves into the next fantasy

For the mind to focus on...

The Lie

I was going through documents and ran across this... something I wrote three years ago. As I read through it, I almost didn't recognize it as something that came from my mind....

What are love and the nature of relationships? After quite a bit of reading and soul-searching I’ve come to a realization. Love is the natural state. It is our true essence. That’s why it feels so wonderful to love another. I’m not just talking about romantic love but the love between friends, parent and child, you and the universe and self love…but really there is no difference. In it’s true form, love is love and it’s given freely, no strings attached and without guilt. It’s all the other added crap we think is love that gets us all bent out of shape. Love has no expectations. We get in the way of love. When we tell someone “I love you,” sometimes it’s because we expect something in return or we think that’s what we’re supposed to say. That’s not love…that’s bondage. Love has no ties, it does not bind, and it does not hurt. It’s free and freeing at the same time. When we love another, we love ourselves. Most important – we can’t love others until we can love ourselves.

Relationships. Yes, that’s another subject all together. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. There’s the casual one – the man you see at the grocery store every week or the woman who rides the same bus in the morning. There are work relationships, families, friends, lovers and partners. What is the purpose of relationships and why do we have better luck with some than others? The purpose of a relationship is to remind each of us who and what we are. We are all one – we recognize in others what is in ourselves. We are attracted to another because that person reflects the sameness within. Have you ever had that feeling when you meet someone “I feel like I’ve known this person forever.” You have! We are all the same. We come together for the opportunity to become who we really are. As we get more comfortable with each other, we allow ourselves to “loosen up” revealing more and more of ourselves, getting closer to our true essence. We remind each other what’s already inside. There are no failed relationships because they all bring us closer to ourselves.

As individuals, we walk through life so guarded and protected out if fear of being rejected. What we end up doing is closing ourselves off from opportunities to grow causing more fear and in the end, reject ourselves. Connecting and creating loving relationships are what we’re supposed to do. Making that first connection is the hardest step to take but it’s so important. If we don’t connect with others, we would never learn anything about ourselves and we would never progress towards self-realization. The love is already there, we just don’t allow ourselves to see it. We’re blinded by what we’ve been told to believe. That is the lie.

The lie is that love is some mystical “holy grail” we’re all searching for. It’s very rare. We have been fed the lie since we were children. We’ve heard the fantasy: “Their eyes met and suddenly they knew. They could think of no other and lived happily ever after.” Perhaps there are a few that do find that one person in that manner. The divorce rate says otherwise being close to 50%. At least half the people who get married should have never done so. How can so many people make the same mistake? Do we all suck at relationships? It’s the lie. We all want to believe it and dream of finding “the one.” At some point comes the feeling you better find someone before it’s too late. We jump into each relationship with the intention of making it permanent. We are so desperate for love that we fear being alone so we’ll settle for less than our true worth. We place such an emphasis on marriage as the be all an end all of a relationship. So many rush into marriage thinking it will make them complete and solve all their problems. That’s the problem; we project on to others what we think we want, making it someone else’s responsibility to make us happy. If it the relationship ends, we can say it’s not our fault.

We fail at relationships because we don’t know how to love. We expect to receive it from others so we can give it back. But we’ve got it all wrong because it’s already there and always has been. We don’t recognize it. It’s in the smile you see, the laugh you hear, the kind word you say and the “hello” at work. It’s all around us but we don’t see it. Instead, we protect ourselves by building walls around our hearts, not letting anything in or out. We fear the pain of rejection so we reject others before they can reject us. Some are afraid of love, thinking it means you are bound to another…forever. Love just is.

Sex. There’s a word that either brings wonderful images to mind or causes you to run screaming in the opposite direction. I’ll say it again…SEX. We have placed so many negative connotations and taboos surrounding sex it’s a wonder anyone can enjoy themselves. We are all sexual beings from the moment we’re born but as we grow up, we are taught it’s not something you talk about, let alone do. When it’s finally time to have “the talk,” everyone is so stressed and embarrassed, it’s amazing any information gets through. What if the one doing the talking doesn’t know what they’re talking about? This leaves a lot unanswered questions leading some to discover what the mystery is all about on their own. And who doesn’t love a good mystery? If sex weren’t so secretive and hidden, perhaps we wouldn’t be so drawn to solve the mystery at such an early age. We have so many hang-ups and are so uncomfortable discussing sex; we have to hire companies to come in to our schools to educate our children. Sex education should be taught without guilt and shame – to adults so that they can discuss it with their children. Then you can bring in the “experts” in clarify information and answer questions.

Many adults can’t discuss sex, especially with the opposite gender without embarrassment. If we’re so embarrassed, how can we ever have a satisfying sexual experience with anyone? We have so many mixed messages regarding sex: it’s wonderful – don’t do it, it’s beautiful – it’s nasty, it feels good – don’t touch me, I’m horny – they have medication for that. No wonder we are so conflicted! We are so bound we can’t discuss openly what we feel or want. Imagine having a conversation with someone regarding sexual technique as if you were discussing a recipe for making your favorite meal:

“Yes, you can add this in for something a little spicy or try this substitution all together.” “I’ve never tried it with that before, how is it?”

“It’s great! You’ll love it!”

If only it were that easy!

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

We're all familiar with the song from "Cabaret." As much as we tell ourselves that it's "not about the money".... it usually is - whether it's not having enough, spending too much on credit, trying to make more, feeling guilty for having it, hording it and being stingy or looking down upon those that don't have it. We all have certain feelings about it.

I grew up squarely middle-class - there was always food on the table and I never had to worry about my next meal. The mentality was "take care of others." I was always bringing friends home for a meal. My mother grew up during the depression. She would occasionally talk about not having enough but was never graphic about it. Living through that time period taught her to save and be thrifty... sometimes a little too thrifty. We had a drawer of plastic bags - the bags you put produce in. She would rinse them out, air dry, then put them in the drawer for later use. They were used over and over until they fell apart. She had a jar of various buttons - all shapes, colors and sizes. I knew if I ever lost a button, all I had to do was look through the jar, find what best matched and walla!! Everything was saved because you never knew when you might need it - something I took to heart. Unfortunately it made me a bit of a pack rat and have issues to this day with letting go of things and thoughts.

I didn't think I had issues around money but it's become apparent that I do. Money came easily to me growing up. Very rarely did I ever have to look for a job - they tended to follow me. I can only think of four times in my life where I actually had to look for work. There was always enough money - not rich by any means but I could always put food on the table and pay my bills. But something happened over the years. My attitude toward money changed. My thoughts evolved from, "money is fun, it will come, don't worry about it" to "how am I going to afford that, there goes my savings, I'll just have to do without, I'm gonna have to find a way to cut back even more..." What happened over the years???

If you look at the Law of Attraction... I have brought every circumstance into my life - positive and negative. So what does that say about me? What have been my thoughts surrounding money? For years I was in a relationship with a person who's constant thoughts were, "we'll never have enough and we can't afford that." Those thoughts became my own. Why did I believe them? My reality confirmed the statement. That is what I attracted into my life. If there was one thing I was good at attracting was lack. Lack abounded everywhere... from my friends constantly talking about having no money, attracting more debt, working more hours to earn more money - only to have expenses increase correspondingly.

I worked for companies that told me "this is all I can pay you.... take it or leave it." So I took it thinking I should be lucky to have any income at all, I'll just have to get another job to supplement my income. With that way of thinking, I set up the circumstances with the belief that the only way I could make more money was to work two or three jobs or take work I hated simple to pay the bills. After all, isn't this what society tells us to do??? If you are responsible, you will work as many hours as it takes to make ends meet. I've spent the last twenty years working myself into the ground because that's what I was supposed to do. I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy to work 50 - 60 hours a week.

So how does one change from a lackful environment to one of abundance? For as long as I can remember, I have been aware of the saying, "Do what you love and the money will follow." Judging by my current financial circumstances, it's apparent my mind doesn't truly believe that saying. The things I love to do end up costing me money rather than bringing it in. I look to those that have turned their lives around and are now living in abundance. The common advice is:

1. Change your way of thinking (duh... I think I know that one, LOL).
2. Be grateful and appreciative for what you have right now (don't I know it and boy am I ever!).
3. Believe that the money is coming (much harder for me these days).
4. Take inspired action (when inspired, I do.... but why do I get bored so quickly?).
5. Surround yourself with positive people (yes, Yes, YES! But what about those negative folks I love?).
6. Listen to that inner voice (thank you Neale Donald Walsh for the reminder).
7. Don't be afraid to take a risk (even if 'it' fails, you still learn something valuable).
8. Keep dreaming (it's what keeps us going!).
9. Do it with gusto (if not, why do it at all)!
10. LOVE!!

I'll keep you all posted!!