I had so many plans for the new year. Not resolutions but goals - plans to focus on for the year. My biggest goal was to let my friends know how much I appreciate and love them - something I don't have a problem doing because I really do love my friends...most of them anyway.

Love is a funny thing, if you can call it a thing. I had my weekly lunch with a friend a couple days ago. We always go to the same place. The owner was sitting in the dining area preparing packaged items to be delivered to area stores while her husband worked in the back preparing food. My friend asked her how she met her husband and suddenly her eyes lit up and a huge smile spread across her face. She started to giggle as she told the story of how they met in a dance class. She was working on a one woman show and had taken a tap class - he happen to be the instructor. It was all she could do to contain herself in the class, giggling and flirting all the way through. He didn't notice her during the class. After class, she got up the nerve to introduce herself after class. He moved in a week later.

I guess it can happen that fast. I've never seen it. I'm not very good at flirting. Most of the time I ignore any man's attempt to get to know me because I have a basic distrust of men. Make that straight men. All of my male friends are gay so I don't have to watch out for ulterior motives. Correction, I have one male friend other than my roommate that is straight. He's the only straight man I haven't run away from and there's no reason to run because we don't live in the same town anymore. Usually when a man comes on strong or gets to close and invades my personal space, I retreat. How is it I only have one straight male friend? Probably because all of the men I know are gay. But this brings me back to the straight guy. I didn't run away because I couldn't. I don't mean that I literally couldn't move - I didn't want to run because I was so fascinated by this person. He made me laugh and I will never run away from a laugh.

Is it possible for men and women to be friends without the sexual tension underneath? You tell me. I haven't had enough experience being friends with men that aren't gay. I think it's possible. There's still those times that I begin to question it all. I was at a party recently and there was a couple there - the wife I've know forever and her husband I've only met a few times over the years. For some reason, I started to feel very uncomfortable around her husband. He wasn't saying anything wrong - it was his body language. Every time I turned around, he was there. He would start up a conversation and then lean in as if it was too loud in the room and he had to get closer for me to hear him. It started to creep me out. As I mentioned, I'm not very good at flirting but I can tell when someone is coming on a little too strong. I can read body language. When I start to get that kind of signal, I squash it as quickly as I can, usually by not acknowledging the person until they give up. Luckily the party wasn't too long and on my way out the door, there was the obligatory hugs to everyone. Wouldn't you know it, this guy made sure to get a long-ass hug and then planted a big one on me before I could get away. And right in front of his wife! Why couldn't it have been someone I was at least attracted to.

This leads me to the question of what happens when the shoe is on the other foot? As I said, I'm not very good at flirting so when a man I'm attracted to starts to pay any attention to me I can't help myself. I become possessed and will do anything I can to keep the attention focused on me. I am so transparent it's laughable. There was once this man I really wanted to get to know better - I don't mean friends - I mean KNOW. I did my best to remain calm and collected but I'm sure he knew what I was thinking. To a certain extent, I think he encouraged it and was sending signals back that he was interested as well but the both of us were too chicken to do anything. It sure made for a good time whenever we were in the same room together. Boy, I wish I could go back and do it all over again. More than likely i would make the same choices and nothing would happen. Oh well. That's what fantasies are for...

As always,
TOO

Last night I saw a friend who also happens to be clairvoyant. I've seen her from time to time over the last few months and everytime I see her she tells me the same thing: I am not living up to my potential. She seems to think there's this sensual goddess within me just screaming to get out. Huh. I don't know what to say. She suggested I start to dress differently and wear clothing to show off my curves. Okay, I know where that came from - I was dressed rather dowdy last night. It's was very cold yesterday and I had been chilled all day so I had a turtle-neck with a loose fitting grey sweater top. Yep, pretty dowdy. Here's the thing - I thought I had been dressing more sensuous. I dropped a few pounds, got a pair of sexy jeans that make my butt look fabulous and started wearing tight fitting tops - that's pretty sexy as far as I'm concerned. The problem is when I dress like that, I tend to get a lot of comments and attention from men - the kind of men I don't want attention from. Now I know men look. We all look. What I can't stand are the "Hey baby. " "I need to get me some of that!" and "Daaamn!" I don't mind when my girlfriends tell me my ass "looks good in those jeans" because I know there's no ulterior motive. Of course the person or persons I want to comment never say anything. Go figure.

Another suggestion from my psychic friend is to do things/activities with my hands and go to the museum often. She says I express myself through art and music. I do love music and arts and crafts. I listen to music as much as I can but I don't play or perform anymore. So I give private concerts for myself. As far as arts and crafts - I don't really have any talent in any specific area. When I do a project, it's because I've been inspired or had a vision and feel compelled to complete it. Sometimes it turns out well and sometimes it's a hideous failure. I think I'm fairly good at spatial relationships and composition but I don't have any aptitude for drawing or painting. I've always wanted to be able to draw but I don't have discipline or enough patience. I want it done NOW!

I did go to the museum today. I wanted to find a painting from the 17th century that would embody what I want to project. I went looking for paintings by Rubens (I identify with the women in the paintings) but none of them spoke to me. As I walked through the museum, I was drawn to the beauty of the sculptures - all of them in the likeness of real women - with curves! I think more young woman should go to the museum and see what women are supposed to look like and not the walking skeletons of the fashion industry.

Next on my stop was the modern impressionists (my favorite section of the museum) but - it was closed! Apparently the paintings are on loan to another museum. I love Cezanne , van Gogh, Renoir and Monet among others. I could sit in that section all day. I don't know why those paintings speak to me but I love 'em. Perhaps it's because I would like to live in those paintings. Oh well, I'll catch it next time. I was told the section would open up again in the next few months...

The Tiffany exhibit was amazing. Wow! The colors were so vibrant. I had gone early in the day, went to get some lunch and then went back to walk through the exhibit again. It's definitely worth seeing.

Here's to all my friends - if you have any suggestions as to how I should dress, please let me know. I guess I'm in need of a make-over!

As alwasys,
TOO

Why won't people leave my car alone? I don't know what it is but my dilapadated jalopy is always being messed with. I've lived in my neighborhood just over three years. The first month after moving in, my antennae was snapped off. A couple weeks later the lock on my trunk was broken. I figured someone was trying to break into the trunk, couldn't get in so the lock was jammed out of frustration. That lock has been jammed three more times ove the last couple years. Not such a big deal but it costs about $100 every time I have to replace it. My window has been cracked and the hubcaps stolen. I don't understand why anyone would want to the hubcaps - they were the original cheap plastic covers that snapped into place.

It's not like I drive an expensive car - it's now sixteen years old. I can't remember the last time I washed it - I'm afraid to. The only thing holding the car together is the dirt and grime. I will drive that car until it falls apart underneath me. Lately someone has been bending the front end license plate. I should say folding...whoever it is keeps folding the left side of the plate towards the middle. I don't know if someone is trying to send me a message...what could the messege be? Don't park here...move out...your car is ugly...your guess is as good as mine. I don't really care if they mess with the car. Yes, it's convenient when I need to get out of town but lately the only time I drive the car is to move it for opposite side of the street parking rules. Other than driving to Queens for New Year's Eve, I haven't gone anywhere in months. Perhaps I should just get rid of the car all together.

That car has served me well. I've driven to St. Louis and back twice, three round trips to Florida, trips to numerous to count to the Poconos, to Boston, DC, Virginia and many other places I can't remember right at the moment. Yes, lots of wonderful memories.

Anyone want a car?

As always,
TOO

I've noticed something extraordinary in the last couple weeks. One of my resolutions for the new year was to be more positive and generous with my love to everyone. One of the wonderful benefits I've noticed is an increase in joy. To be more specific, I've been laughing at things I might have found just mildly amusing a short time ago. As I start to laugh, a wave of goes through my body from head to toes and back up to my belly causing me to convulse in pure ecstasy. My body sways back and forth like Keith Richards on speed, my arms waving around as if fighting off demons. I start laughing so hard I can barely breath, squeezing every last breath out of my lungs. My face turns bright red. I can't stand nor can I sit. I now begin to think my body has been possessed by a spirit that won't let me stop and surely I will die soon from lack of oxygen. At least I'll go happily on to the other side.

I'm not complaining...I love the fact that I have been laughing and enjoying life so much, regardless that I look like an attendee at a charismatic church revival - it's still the greatest feeling and I wish it on everyone.

Well, maybe not the drunken sailor dance.

May you all have joy and laughter today!

As always,
TOO

Today is my birthday. I am twenty-five... again. I spent most of the day by myself. I went to the movies to see Borat and Iaughed so hard my abs hurt. Just thinking of certain scenes starts me off again. Sasha Baron Cohen is one of those performers that you either love or hate. In his performances he either rises to the top or crashes and burns - there's no in between. Whether you like him or not, you have to admire someone that goes for it with as much passion as he does. We should all hope to be as passionate in our lives - we won't be able to stop ourselves from succeeding.

It is gloomy and drizzly in NYC today. I haven't felt like doing much of anything today. I know I should exercise...

I have been contemplating the universe this week, trying to figure out relationships, love, feelings, thoughts and what I should be doing with myself. I've realized there are no shoulds. Everyday is a new day to create what you want in life. There's no rule that it says it has to be the same day after day. I forget that from time to time. The wonderful thing about life is never knowing how each day will turn out. Sure, we can hope or wish for a certain outcome but I think we put to much emphasis on the results rather than the journey. I like not knowing.

I miss that feeling I had as a child; when I wanted to do something, I would do it for the joy and pleasure it brought me, not for how I would feel afterwards. When you're a child, there is no afterwards, only now. Why does it have to be so difficult as an adult to know and be in the moment? We get distracted by every little detail. Sometimes it's best not to think and just do!

Four years ago during Easter vacation, I decided to take a road trip with the kids to Florida. Having grown up in SoCal, I've always loved the warm weather and the beach (and palm trees) and after dealing with the cold and snow, I needed to get away. I planned to drive all the way...if you've never driven from NYC to central Florida, it's about a thousand miles. Most people would not be looking forward to spending 24 hours of drive time in a car with two boys. I couldn't wait to go. I had the hotel lined up in Florida but did not make any reservations for the drive down because I wasn't sure when i would stop. It would depend on my energy level and how much buttitis I had from sitting in the car. I didn't worry one bit about finding hotels on the way down. Now you'd think I would have made arrangements to be on the safe side, knowing it was a holiday week and everyone from New York would be on the road to Florida. I didn't have a single problem finding a room on the way there or back. Now my point here was not the trip but the way events played out. Here's why I think it went so well:

1. I had no doubt we would find hotel rooms.
2. There was great joy and excitement just knowing we were on our way.
3. I knew we would have a good time.

It all worked out because I did not worry or fret over any of the trip and just focused on gettng there and then how much fun we would have. No worries entered my mind at all - they didn't exist. I'm beginning to see that the more sure we are of something (instead of just wishing it so) pretty much guarantees success. Okay, everyone can find exceptions. We need to strive to experience life just as a child sees and experiences the joy in everything, It's time to get that sense of play back in our lives.

Take a moment to do something you enjoy tomorrow. Don't think about it, just do it! What have you got to lose?

And I did get that exercise in...

As always,
TOO

This morning I was reminded of a friend that passed on almost thirteen years ago. He would have been 53 today. I can't help but smile when I think of him. He was one of the most flamboyant characters I've ever known. A southern boy from Tennessee, he came to NYC to find himself, fit in and make his mark. His sense of style was like no other. He had a penchant for wearing enormous bow ties and thermal underwear as everyday wear with army boots as a statement of his individuality. And somehow, he could pull it off. You could sense his energy when he entered a room - how could you miss him in that attire! His idea of a well balanced meal was vodka and Entenmann's chocolate chip cookies. As much as he loved and enjoyed life, he had a knack for self-destructive behavior. Although he lived fast and hard, he embraced every moment. Here's to you T!

Bless your heart!

As always,
TOO