My Modern Day Angel

This story goes back a while - five years to be exact. I'm not really sure why I recall this story... maybe it's giving thought to the way we impact the lives of others with a gesture and appreciating the journey!

The day was beautiful, the weather great but quickly went down hill on the way to work. Everyone I encountered seemed to be seething with rage and projecting it on others. I can't recall what was said to me but I know I was in the crappiest of moods by the time I got to work...

I work at a Broadway theatre and during the walk-in before curtain, I was talking to the people outside of the theatre on their way in to see the show. I can usually gauge the mood and energy of the audience by my interactions with them. For the most part, it looked as if the actors would have their work cut out for them today... this audience was particularly needy and in a sour mood, despite me effort to lighten it.... people were complaining about the traffic (yeah... it's NYC... the traffic is always bad... get over it) as if I could control it for them so they could have a wonderful NYC experience.

About half way through the walk, this tiny, very "Long Island" older woman came up and started a conversation with me. Apparently she had been watching me interact with the patrons for a while and commented how the audience was in a crappy mood. I laughed and shrugged my shoulders in that "whaddya gonna do?" mode and just go with the flow! She told me she had seen the show before, loved it and was back for a second time. As the conversation was coming to an end, I noticed she was wearing a silver necklace with three circle pendants but couldn't see what was inscribed on them.

"I love your necklace. What are the words on the circles." She picked it up so I could have a closer look.

"Live, Laugh, Love," she replied.

That's perfect! We should all live by that motto.... especially this audience!"

We both laughed, told her to enjoy the show for the second time and she went in to the theatre.

After the show, I saw the woman coming up the aisle to exit the theatre, making a beeline for me.
Grabbing my hand as she spoke, she said, "I had a great time... take care!" ...and then walked out the door. I didn't realize until she was gone that she had placed something in my hand. I looked down... it was the necklace I had been admiring before the show! For whatever reason, she felt I needed it more than she did. She walked away so quickly I didn't even have a chance to thank her. As the tears welled up, I couldn't help but think she was my Long Island angel!

All these years later - that necklace has such a significant meaning to me.  As I embarked on my own healing energy journey, I use it to test the energy... as in use it as a pendulum.  I have had to replace the clasp and it has tarnished over the years only adding to it's beauty. It's a reminder to always lead with an open heart and every person you meet can have a transformative ripple effect on you ripple and those around you!

Live, Laugh, Love

A Crappy Story

The call started out great – “Thank you for cooking the amazing dinner – it’s so yummy!!”…then something went wrong…

He: OMG let me tell you… people keep giving me their crap and I have so much crap already!!

Me: Well stop grabbing a hold of it… your hands aren’t big enough and there’s no room for any more crap at home.

He: You don’t get it – I have all this crap and don’t know what to do about it.

Me: Throw it away.

He: Geez – you just don’t get it… you’re an idiot!!  I’m hanging up!!

Me: I get home to see a large, steaming pile of crap in the middle of the floor.

He: See????  Didn’t I tell you how much crap this is???

Me: Yup… that’s certainly a big pile of crap for you to clean up.

He: What??? Can’t you help me?? 

He takes another bucket out and dumps more crap on the floor.

Me: Why are you bringing in more crap??

He: I still have more buckets to unload.  I told you I had a lot of crap.  It’s not only mine but all the crap I brought home from work!!

Me: You need to stop dumping the crap.

He: But I want you to see it ALL so you’ll understand.

Me: Oh, I understand completely.  It smells like shit in here.

He: I know!!  It stinks so bad.  Smell this steamy bucket too!!

Me: Stop it and clean up the mess.

He: I can’t!!!  I want you to sit here until you understand how bad this crap is.

Me: Oh I know… I could smell it all the way home.  I’ve had it.  If you want to live in the crap, it’s your business.  You brought the crap home  - it’s your responsibility.  I suggested throwing it out and cleaning the floor but I can see you want to stomp around in it and track it all over the apartment…. which will then take a lot of time and energy to clean up.  I’m out.

He: But wait…. What happened to all this “love” you talk about?  Why are you not helping me?  You’re not loving and supporting me and my crap!!! 

To be continued…

Getting Intimate...

(Originally written Novmeber 29th, 2010)

Today I went for a professional bra fitting at the encouragement of a very close, long-time friend. She insisted it would change my life. And I believe it has!

I had never been to Intimacy but had heard it was "the place" to go. I wasn't quite sure what to expect... I've been in places where there take out the tape measure, tell you "this is your size" and then try on countless bras, narrowing it down to finding one you can put up with... hoping you won't feel strangled by the end of the day.

You walk in and it looks like a little boutique. They have some clothing and swimsuits... but the bras are not hanging on racks for you to browse through, pick out and take back to the dressing rooms. First things first...

Before a fitting can be done, a questionnaire is filled out so that they know your particular concerns/problems, the size of the bra you are wearing and what you are looking for in a bra. Then you are assigned a fitter.

You are taken to a dressing room where your fitter goes over your questionnaire. It is explained they do a "holistic fitting" which consists of looking at you in your bra, how it supports, how it actually fits and then suggesting what size you are - no tape measure.... so you are relying on the skill and knowledge of your fitter. Okay... the test is in the fit and how it looks. I went in wearing a fairly new bra... a 36D. I have bras in my drawer from 34D to 38C.. depending on my weight. My fitter looked at the bra, tested how snug the band was and determined the cup size was correct for me with that band but the band size was too loose. She suggested a 34 band and since I was going down in band size, she would go up a cup size (34DD).

I particularly wanted an everyday bra and was looking for comfort (and also wanted something pretty). My boobs were in her hands....

She came back with three different bras... and wanted to check for fit and comfort. All fit very well and already seemed an improvement from what I came in wearing. She left the room again and came back with several bras of different brands. She wanted to make sure I tried on various styles to find the one perfect for me. All of the bras were comfortable... but I also had to be aware of the prices. There were several I thought were wonderful AND gorgeous... but were also $120 - $176 (definitely out of my price range). She brought in another batch of bras and one stood out... lacy and pretty. She said the cups tended to run a little small so the cup was a size bigger... It fit perfectly.

I put on my shirt and went out to see my friend...

"That's the one!"

It was made by Fantasie... and $76. This was more than I wanted to to spend but figured this would be my Christmas present to myself. It was suggested that one should have 6 - 7 bras to rotate, never wear one more than 2 - 3 times before washing, never put them in the dryer (I never do) and never use a detergent that has alcohol in it.

I found my bra... in a 34E. It seems ridiculous to wear that size... the girls are just not that big... but I guess size is relative. I can also take the bra in to have the straps altered for free (my left strap always seems to be a problem and falls down). A bra really is an investment. Hopefully I can pick up a few more less expensive bras to rotate through the wardrobe over the next few weeks now that I am armed with more bra knowledge as to how one is supposed to fit!

**Addendum**

A week or so after my life changing moment (and wearing my super bra around town), I headed to Bloomingdales armed with my newly acquired foundation knowledge. I was going to add another bra to my wardrobe. I picked up several contenders in my size and headed to the dressing room. I couldn't wait to see what they looked like...

To my dismay, not one bra fit right. Too big, too tight, wrong style. I thought knowledge was power but apparently not so when finding the right bra... at least not in my case. This truly is a job left to the professionals. Maybe it's an age thing - you get past 40, having had children and the "girls" just don't look like they used to and need far more pampering. Not to mention, if you're going to spend more than $70 and up, why not get the royal treatment?

Just please, PLEASE.. don't have me try on and fall in love with the $200 bra!!

The Winds of Change

Sometimes you feel it rumbling for quite a while before it gets there. You know it's coming and not quite sure how you feel.

Change is good. It keeps us on our toes, let's us know when we're on the wrong path and gives us a chance to find THE path.

There are times when you are beckoned down that road knowing full well it will be difficult journey that may not end the way you would like.... but you take it anyway. You grow, have fun, learn, make new friends, find old ones and deal with the heartbreak you know is coming.

No one can change who you are but they can certainly bring to light the things you do not like in yourself or others and force you to make a choice. Frequently you don't want to make that choice because you know how it will affect those around you.

And sometimes you decide to make a change and then something happens to redirect you yet again... a pleasant surprise. That has happened many times over the years.

One of the biggest obstacles to change is fear... fear of what may or may not happen. There's the fear of failure which prevents many of us from making any changes in our lives. The other obstacle? Responsibility. Plain and simple. We don't make the changes necessary fearing the responsibility it will entail. It's easy to come up with excuse after excuse and never move forward or get what you truly want... and then it leads to more complaining and frustration.

Some of us play the "if only" game. If I had just made the other choice, I wouldn't be here or maybe I would have what I want. "If only" serves no purpose but to remind us that we have choices... choices to make each and every moment of every day. You can choose to move towards what you want, choose what someone else told you is the right one or not choose at all (inaction is a choice as well).

The only way to know is to choose....

What are you waiting for??

To be continued.......

The Ass Has it!

This post goes back three years... an oldie but a goodie. Reading about the subway and people this evening caused this file to come up in my brain so I'm sharing...

I must have a sign on my forehead that says "please ask me; I will help." It doesn't matter where I am, a street corner, the subway platform, even as a tourist in another city; I will be the one people approach to ask for direction or help. I don't know why but it's been like that my whole life. I've often wondered why I'm the one people approach. What makes them pick me over everyone else? Is it the look on my face? Do I look non-threatening?

Someone once said I look like I know what's going on. How does one look like that? I think it must be the energy that surrounds me. It must be very inviting. Whatever job I'm at, I'm the one that people come to for advice - as if I'm an authority on anything. I have a way of encouraging people to open up and tell me their deepest, darkest secrets and the funny thing is, I don't do anything. Somehow I instinctively ask the right questions that illuminate the crux of the problem and head them in the right direction for the answers they need. And I reiterate, I don't so anything. I feel like the guy in the Kleenex commercial with his couch set up outdoors and then random people sit down and open up with whatever is bothering them.

I guess what it comes down to is I'm a great listener. I would much rather listen most of the time than worry what I'm going to say. Not that I don't like to comment or add my two cents here or there. The only time I don't like listening is when the other person won't let me get a word in edgewise or they babble on and on without saying anything.

Now this is completely off topic but I want to bitch a moment about riding the subway. This is not an affront to mass transit but the people that ride the subway. This morning I was lucky enough to get a seat as I entered the train. I sat down next to a large person on my right. This person wasn't exceptionally large but definitely overweight. Most of the trains have these indented seats on the bench - basically to let you know where you butt is supposed to go. I think these were made this way to keep people from taking up too much room. However, this does not stop people from spilling over their allotted space. I am not condemning large people but it is very annoying when those larger individuals take up two or three spaces. What's even worse is when a big person decides they are going to sit in between two people when it's obvious they are not going to fit. They didn't get this large overnight, so how is they have no body/spatial awareness? If you are a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon, you're not going to fit through the Lincoln tunnel while inflated. It's simple physics.

Back to this morning...I was sitting there minding my own business when I saw this very large ass getting closer to me. This ass belonged to a very, very large person who decided they were going to fit in between me and another person in the designated tiny hiney seat. I don't know what this ass was thinking but I was trying not to get sat on. As it turned out, the ass could not fit, (duh) so the ass landed on the edge of the seat trying to keep from falling off. Wouldn't it have been better not to try to force their way in? So now I'm mushed in between two people, determined not to give up my seat because I was there first. When I finally got to my stop, I had to wedge myself out between the two large ones. Unfortunately I did not have any Vaseline. I managed to get up and as I left the subway car, sure enough, the ass sat all the way back on the bench, taking up two seats! Ah me...

The Fantasy

It takes its toll...

What is wanted,

What was experienced and

What was never fully realized.

Nothing should compare

But that's where it always returns.

Focus is on what doesn't exist or has ceased to be.

Reality is invisible, ever changing and completely unstable.

Therefore the mind returns to what is known.

It can't grasp the rope consistently offered nor

Jump into the boat as

It always believes it will not support

Or something better exists than what is.

The reality becomes non-existent and

Evolves into the next fantasy

For the mind to focus on...

The Lie

I was going through documents and ran across this... something I wrote three years ago. As I read through it, I almost didn't recognize it as something that came from my mind....

What are love and the nature of relationships? After quite a bit of reading and soul-searching I’ve come to a realization. Love is the natural state. It is our true essence. That’s why it feels so wonderful to love another. I’m not just talking about romantic love but the love between friends, parent and child, you and the universe and self love…but really there is no difference. In it’s true form, love is love and it’s given freely, no strings attached and without guilt. It’s all the other added crap we think is love that gets us all bent out of shape. Love has no expectations. We get in the way of love. When we tell someone “I love you,” sometimes it’s because we expect something in return or we think that’s what we’re supposed to say. That’s not love…that’s bondage. Love has no ties, it does not bind, and it does not hurt. It’s free and freeing at the same time. When we love another, we love ourselves. Most important – we can’t love others until we can love ourselves.

Relationships. Yes, that’s another subject all together. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. There’s the casual one – the man you see at the grocery store every week or the woman who rides the same bus in the morning. There are work relationships, families, friends, lovers and partners. What is the purpose of relationships and why do we have better luck with some than others? The purpose of a relationship is to remind each of us who and what we are. We are all one – we recognize in others what is in ourselves. We are attracted to another because that person reflects the sameness within. Have you ever had that feeling when you meet someone “I feel like I’ve known this person forever.” You have! We are all the same. We come together for the opportunity to become who we really are. As we get more comfortable with each other, we allow ourselves to “loosen up” revealing more and more of ourselves, getting closer to our true essence. We remind each other what’s already inside. There are no failed relationships because they all bring us closer to ourselves.

As individuals, we walk through life so guarded and protected out if fear of being rejected. What we end up doing is closing ourselves off from opportunities to grow causing more fear and in the end, reject ourselves. Connecting and creating loving relationships are what we’re supposed to do. Making that first connection is the hardest step to take but it’s so important. If we don’t connect with others, we would never learn anything about ourselves and we would never progress towards self-realization. The love is already there, we just don’t allow ourselves to see it. We’re blinded by what we’ve been told to believe. That is the lie.

The lie is that love is some mystical “holy grail” we’re all searching for. It’s very rare. We have been fed the lie since we were children. We’ve heard the fantasy: “Their eyes met and suddenly they knew. They could think of no other and lived happily ever after.” Perhaps there are a few that do find that one person in that manner. The divorce rate says otherwise being close to 50%. At least half the people who get married should have never done so. How can so many people make the same mistake? Do we all suck at relationships? It’s the lie. We all want to believe it and dream of finding “the one.” At some point comes the feeling you better find someone before it’s too late. We jump into each relationship with the intention of making it permanent. We are so desperate for love that we fear being alone so we’ll settle for less than our true worth. We place such an emphasis on marriage as the be all an end all of a relationship. So many rush into marriage thinking it will make them complete and solve all their problems. That’s the problem; we project on to others what we think we want, making it someone else’s responsibility to make us happy. If it the relationship ends, we can say it’s not our fault.

We fail at relationships because we don’t know how to love. We expect to receive it from others so we can give it back. But we’ve got it all wrong because it’s already there and always has been. We don’t recognize it. It’s in the smile you see, the laugh you hear, the kind word you say and the “hello” at work. It’s all around us but we don’t see it. Instead, we protect ourselves by building walls around our hearts, not letting anything in or out. We fear the pain of rejection so we reject others before they can reject us. Some are afraid of love, thinking it means you are bound to another…forever. Love just is.

Sex. There’s a word that either brings wonderful images to mind or causes you to run screaming in the opposite direction. I’ll say it again…SEX. We have placed so many negative connotations and taboos surrounding sex it’s a wonder anyone can enjoy themselves. We are all sexual beings from the moment we’re born but as we grow up, we are taught it’s not something you talk about, let alone do. When it’s finally time to have “the talk,” everyone is so stressed and embarrassed, it’s amazing any information gets through. What if the one doing the talking doesn’t know what they’re talking about? This leaves a lot unanswered questions leading some to discover what the mystery is all about on their own. And who doesn’t love a good mystery? If sex weren’t so secretive and hidden, perhaps we wouldn’t be so drawn to solve the mystery at such an early age. We have so many hang-ups and are so uncomfortable discussing sex; we have to hire companies to come in to our schools to educate our children. Sex education should be taught without guilt and shame – to adults so that they can discuss it with their children. Then you can bring in the “experts” in clarify information and answer questions.

Many adults can’t discuss sex, especially with the opposite gender without embarrassment. If we’re so embarrassed, how can we ever have a satisfying sexual experience with anyone? We have so many mixed messages regarding sex: it’s wonderful – don’t do it, it’s beautiful – it’s nasty, it feels good – don’t touch me, I’m horny – they have medication for that. No wonder we are so conflicted! We are so bound we can’t discuss openly what we feel or want. Imagine having a conversation with someone regarding sexual technique as if you were discussing a recipe for making your favorite meal:

“Yes, you can add this in for something a little spicy or try this substitution all together.” “I’ve never tried it with that before, how is it?”

“It’s great! You’ll love it!”

If only it were that easy!

Money Makes the World Go 'Round

We're all familiar with the song from "Cabaret." As much as we tell ourselves that it's "not about the money".... it usually is - whether it's not having enough, spending too much on credit, trying to make more, feeling guilty for having it, hording it and being stingy or looking down upon those that don't have it. We all have certain feelings about it.

I grew up squarely middle-class - there was always food on the table and I never had to worry about my next meal. The mentality was "take care of others." I was always bringing friends home for a meal. My mother grew up during the depression. She would occasionally talk about not having enough but was never graphic about it. Living through that time period taught her to save and be thrifty... sometimes a little too thrifty. We had a drawer of plastic bags - the bags you put produce in. She would rinse them out, air dry, then put them in the drawer for later use. They were used over and over until they fell apart. She had a jar of various buttons - all shapes, colors and sizes. I knew if I ever lost a button, all I had to do was look through the jar, find what best matched and walla!! Everything was saved because you never knew when you might need it - something I took to heart. Unfortunately it made me a bit of a pack rat and have issues to this day with letting go of things and thoughts.

I didn't think I had issues around money but it's become apparent that I do. Money came easily to me growing up. Very rarely did I ever have to look for a job - they tended to follow me. I can only think of four times in my life where I actually had to look for work. There was always enough money - not rich by any means but I could always put food on the table and pay my bills. But something happened over the years. My attitude toward money changed. My thoughts evolved from, "money is fun, it will come, don't worry about it" to "how am I going to afford that, there goes my savings, I'll just have to do without, I'm gonna have to find a way to cut back even more..." What happened over the years???

If you look at the Law of Attraction... I have brought every circumstance into my life - positive and negative. So what does that say about me? What have been my thoughts surrounding money? For years I was in a relationship with a person who's constant thoughts were, "we'll never have enough and we can't afford that." Those thoughts became my own. Why did I believe them? My reality confirmed the statement. That is what I attracted into my life. If there was one thing I was good at attracting was lack. Lack abounded everywhere... from my friends constantly talking about having no money, attracting more debt, working more hours to earn more money - only to have expenses increase correspondingly.

I worked for companies that told me "this is all I can pay you.... take it or leave it." So I took it thinking I should be lucky to have any income at all, I'll just have to get another job to supplement my income. With that way of thinking, I set up the circumstances with the belief that the only way I could make more money was to work two or three jobs or take work I hated simple to pay the bills. After all, isn't this what society tells us to do??? If you are responsible, you will work as many hours as it takes to make ends meet. I've spent the last twenty years working myself into the ground because that's what I was supposed to do. I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy to work 50 - 60 hours a week.

So how does one change from a lackful environment to one of abundance? For as long as I can remember, I have been aware of the saying, "Do what you love and the money will follow." Judging by my current financial circumstances, it's apparent my mind doesn't truly believe that saying. The things I love to do end up costing me money rather than bringing it in. I look to those that have turned their lives around and are now living in abundance. The common advice is:

1. Change your way of thinking (duh... I think I know that one, LOL).
2. Be grateful and appreciative for what you have right now (don't I know it and boy am I ever!).
3. Believe that the money is coming (much harder for me these days).
4. Take inspired action (when inspired, I do.... but why do I get bored so quickly?).
5. Surround yourself with positive people (yes, Yes, YES! But what about those negative folks I love?).
6. Listen to that inner voice (thank you Neale Donald Walsh for the reminder).
7. Don't be afraid to take a risk (even if 'it' fails, you still learn something valuable).
8. Keep dreaming (it's what keeps us going!).
9. Do it with gusto (if not, why do it at all)!
10. LOVE!!

I'll keep you all posted!!

The Process of Process Part 3

"What do you want?"

"What do you want your life to be like a year from now and how would that make you feel?"

Two very loaded questions I hear over and over again. You would think by now I'd have a very well thought out answer. I never said I knew the answers. Using the Law of Attraction is a process in and of itself. Some days it's easier said than done. Yes - I understand the ramifications of "thoughts become things" - it brings with it a huge sense of responsibility (and to be honest - a little anxiety). Sometimes I'm afraid of my own thoughts and where they might lead.

When I was a young adult, I didn't really think about manifestation... Going after my dreams was not so scary because I still had a mother at home that would take me in if I failed (which she never had to do). "LOA" was not part of my vocabulary however but I had always heard the phrase "like attracts like." What that meant to me was if I was in a bad mood, it would be reflected back to me with everyone I encountered. These days, the idea of being able to manifest anything I desire is frightening with thoughts of, "What kind of time will it involve? Will it take me away from other things I want to do?"

So what is it I really want? The stock answer most people give is "a million dollars!" Don't get me wrong - a million dollars would be great! After Uncle Sammy gets his cut, I'd have about $655,000 left... I have no idea what New York State would take... But it's not really a dollar amount I want - it's about the freedom it entails: the freedom to go anywhere in the world when I feel like it, the time to spend learning a new skill, the means to give to others and the peace of mind knowing all my needs are taken care of (a home fully paid for, transportation when I need it, food, clothing, etc...).

I grew up with the notion that time+work+sacrifice = money... in other words, the greater amount of time and energy I put in would equal correspondingly to the amount of money I would have. I never had a problem finding jobs - they always found me! I collected too many of them taking up an enormous amount of my time and energy and yet I could never get ahead. Until very recently, I had three jobs and no time, no energy and still no extra money.... so the theory ingrained in my head has been proven wrong time and time again.

So I sit here and think, "What can I do differently to have the life I want?" The answer is to have fun, enjoy the present and be appreciative of what you have - all stuff I've been working on the past year. I do have a little more time but my income has gone down and my debt has gone up (yikes!). I seem to be going in the opposite direction of where I want to be. The things I enjoy doing are becoming increasingly more difficult to do. Even my passion for cooking and sharing it with others has taken a back seat because there are weeks I can't afford the ingredients for the recipes I want to make. I haven't quite figured out how to change the equation so that passion (pursuing your dreams) = time AND money.

Perhaps it is just me keeping myself from realizing my dreams because I am afraid of the responsibility and time it will entail, not to mention the expenses it takes to get there. Changing my reality is an ongoing process - one that involves a great deal of patience and understanding on my part.

Ah... the joys of being human embroiled in the contrasts of life!

Divine Intervention

You never know where inspiration will come from… sometimes it just falls into your lap or mixes up on your plate.

The last couple days I was thinking about ribs, which is… for me… rather odd. It’s not something I normally eat more than once or twice a year. Don’t get me wrong – I love BBQ but being a city gal, I don’t have an outdoor grill.

A colleague had mentioned buying ribs and cooking them in the oven at home. Hmmmm…. Oven method huh? Never really thought about cooking ribs in the oven… doesn’t seem appetizing. So now I had ribs on the brain.

When I got home from work, I scoured the internet looking for a good recipe for oven ribs. So much information out there. Parboil… or not to parboil. Rub? What about sauce? Kansas City, St. Louis or Memphis style? I never really knew the difference (and I lived in St. Louis for several years). I’d always had ribs with BBQ sauce but have now come to understand that some are served without sauce.

So then the question went out to my foodie friends on Facebook. Everyone has their own particular way of doin’ up their ribs. A friend suggested a vinegar-based dipping sauce and sent an old family recipe. I’ve never used a “dipping” sauce but it sure looked good. Then I was off to find a basic tomato-based BBQ sauce in the internet that actually used tomato sauce rather than ketchup. I settled on one that looked relatively simple. Next was finding a dry rub recipe. Again I looked for something simple that I could easily vary the ingredients for a different flavor.

The next day, I put my list together, picked up the ribs on a break from work along with various spices I was missing in my pantry. When I got home (very late and tired), I blended my dry rub and prepped the ribs to sit overnight in the fridge. The following day I would have time to make the sauces and cook the ribs “low and slow” in the oven.

The day came for ribs!!! I went to work for a few hours and then came home to start my culinary adventure. Since the ribs were wrapped in foil and ready to go, I only needed to pop them in the oven at 250 degrees and leave them alone for the next 2 ½ - 3 hours. Next was the tomato-based sauce. I sautéed my onions and garlic, added the tomato sauce and paste and measured out my molasses and spices… but it sure seemed like a lot of cayenne pepper. I like “heat” but I have to be careful of others who do not like very much spicy heat. I checked the recipe again… sure enough, it said 1 teaspoon and the comments on the recipe said, “just the right amount of heat.” Okay, 1 teaspoon it is.

I mixed it all up in the saucepan… it was very thick and not like a sauce at all – more like a paste. Did I miss anything?? I double checked. No, everything was in. Now for a quick taste… WHOA!!! All I could feel was the cayenne pepper on my tongue, obliterating any taste the sauce could possibly have. That had to have been a typo in the recipe. I quickly doubled up on all my other ingredients EXCEPT cayenne. Ewwww, it was still beyond hot and a very thick paste. I added water until it was a consistency I thought was “sauce-like.” Still no decrease in the heat. In went more sugar, vinegar, worcestershire sauce and still more. It was finally palatable but not very good in my opinion… oh well.

Next I made my friend’s dipping sauce… YUM!! It was so good I couldn’t help dipping my finger in over and over.

Fast forward a couple hours – ribs were done in the oven, just had to put them under the broiler for a few minutes to crisp them up. Then came the moment of truth. I served up a plate of ribs with collard greens and a corn muffin. I asked what sauce the boyfriend wanted to try… he tasted the tomato based one – BLECH…. Total failure. He went with the dipping sauce.

I served up my plate and put the dipping sauce and a spoonful of the BBQ sauce on my plate thinking it might taste better with the ribs. It was okay but the dipping sauce was amazing. I sent off a quick email to my friend, thanking him for the recipe. I went back to my plate to continue eating and noticed some of the dipping sauce had spread into the BBQ sauce. Oh well, let’s see how the blend tastes… HOLY COW!!!! This was amazing!! I asked my boyfriend to try the mixture of both… which he didn’t really want to do but did anyway. His eyes almost popped out of his head, “This is great!!! Better than any BBQ sauce I’ve ever tasted!!”

I emailed my friend back to tell him what had happened. It was an accident… a divine intervention turning a complete failure into triumph!!!

The question is, can I duplicate what I did…..

The Process of Process, part 2

Did I mention I like to process?? Interesting things have been happening the last few days. I will attempt to make sense of it here with the hope it may help someone else...

So I've been having trouble finding the passion and inspiration. It's frustrating for someone who wishes to create... knows what they want to create but can't find the drive to get started. What the hell am I waiting for?? For the energy to start flowing damn it!!

I decided to just leave it alone since I wasn't getting anywhere. Last Friday, I was a bit annoyed with everything. Yes... even I wake up on the wrong side of bed. When that happens, I get a bit snarky and adversarial. Okay, a lot snarky. I decided to leave early so I could walk to work (about an hour). On the way, I stopped off at the neighborhood news stand to play the Mega Millions. Anyone that knows me can attest I don't play the lottery... I feel it's a waste of money that could go towards something else. Anyhoo, I decided to play anyway as the jackpot was $333 million.

I put down my $2, go my ticket and was off to work. As I was walking along, I started to think what I could do with that kind of money. I'd already started thinking about what I could do with a million, thanks to my friend Jack and had also seen this crazy video earlier in the day from this in-your-face guy telling me "You may have lost your job.. but don't lose your dream" on Facebook. His words triggered a few things inside. So I decided to play the prosperity game..

With $333 million, I figured 50% Uncle Sammy, leaving me with $165 million. That's a lot of dough!!! Here's what I would do:

1. pay off all debt
2. buy a place to live (fully paid for)
3. set up trust funds for both children
4. set money aside for savings
5. set aside money for fun
6. think of philanthropic ways to give away the rest, helping others find and live their dreams.

But why stop there? I began to think about how my life would be different if money was abundant in my life...

I would combine my passions and travel the world, eating, learning about different foods and cultures and share the info with others, making new friends along the way through writing and video. Then I started to think about my current situation... money is an issue... but I can still write and talk about food. Then the thought crossed my mind I could write honestly about how I feed myself well and not spend a lot of money.

Why not set up a challenge for myself?? I could write about how much I spend on food, the ingredients and the recipes and keep it within a certain budget proving that one can eat well balanced, healthy, nutritious meals living in a small apartment, with little space in NYC. I'd have to be completely honest, maybe change the names to protect the innocent but I'll make a game of it and see what happens...

And then something did happen.... I started to realize I was having fun!!! I found myself getting excited over the possibilities. Ideas started zipping around inside my head. Oh lord, I was feeling passionate about the idea and having inspired thoughts!!! The creative block started to lift....

I don't want to give it all away, you will see soon enough. Needless to say, I did not win the lottery but I gotta great return on a $2 investment... all it really took was a dollar (or two) and a dream...

The Process of Process, part 1

Ideas come and go but some just stick with ya. I always come up with interesting and fun things to do... or so they seem at the time of inspiration. The idea is the easy part... putting into practice is something entirely different... for me anyway.

I've had this idea for a while... for years actually and have never got past the development phase. I love food - everything about it. I love to talk about it, try new ones, cook it, share it, you name it. It would seem a likely conclusion that I would start to put together a cookbook with all the recipes I've collected and devised over the years. I have a few ideas for different cookbooks in fact.

So why on earth can't I get started??

I'm a smart chic, I have skillz and I now have time. The resources are coming together, folks have offered to help in various capacities and I have support up the wazoo. So what's the problem?

The only thing I can think of is fear of failure or being judged. But I don't think that's really it. It's the passion that's missing. When I feel passionate about something, there's no stopping me - failure is not an option.

So how do I find the passion?

Friends have suggested I just get started and the passion will find me. Honestly, I feel like a little kid screaming, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna!" Maybe I'm just scared of the whole process because the task is overwhelming. I know, I know - take it one step at a time.

So here's my first step:

I want to start a blog about putting the cookbook together. Rather than put it all here, I've been trying to come up with a new name for the blog and am just clueless. I figured this would be the easiest part but it seems this is the key to me getting started. I could be wrong. Perhaps I'll come up with another excuse for not doing what I set out to do.

As some of my LOA friends would say, "if your having trouble getting started, you're not in alignment with it."

Uhhh... duh!

I recall hearing "if you're unclear about what to do, the next step is to do nothing."

So that's my excuse... I'm unclear and can't find the passion, other than write about the process of the process. Until then, I'll keep processing until I process.

The Brilliance of Youth

My children are brilliant. I know where they got it from (hee hee). But really.... I am amazed at what comes out of their mouth at such a young age, especially the sixteen year old.

At an age where hormones are raging, emotions run all over the place and independence is exerting itself, there are observations on how things work that I find hilarious and spot on... as only a sixteen year old can describe.

My youngest was upset...angry is more like it... at his father and brother. He had plans to do his "own thing" this weekend (whatever that was). Instead, his plans were disrupted so that his father and brother could do what they wanted. I think we can all imagine what it's like to be the sixteen year old having the rug pulled out from underneath.

For the next 30 minutes, I was his captive audience while he let it fly. It went something like this:

"Why does everyone else get to do what they want and what I want isn't important? I had plans... there was stuff I wanted to do this weekend and just because they want me to do what they want, my whole weekend is ruined. Nobody ever considers my feelings. I'm always the one who has to compromise. My brother always gets to do what he wants. If Dad asks him to do something and he doesn't feel like it, then he doesn't do it... nobody can make him do anything. But I always have to do what everyone else says. It's not fair. There's no reason why I can't do the things I planned other than Dad doesn't want me to."

It went on.... but you get the general idea. Instead of saying a word, I just listened. Which is something you just need to do with your kids. I didn't take what he said personally... he had to let it out so he could let the anger go.

When his rant was over, since his plans were changed, what did he want to do now..

"I don't know."

"Well... what do you think you would enjoy? What sounds like fun?"

"I don't know. What is fun anyway...?"

"Huh. Good question. How can we figure this out?"

"I don't know... there are too many thoughts in my brain flying around. I can't just pick one."

"What do you mean"

"My brain is like a big room. The walls on either side have velcro and my thoughts are like little balls bouncing and flying around with bits of velcro on them. When one of them sticks to the wall.... I have a thought I can hold onto."

Did he just say what I think he said???? What a perfect analogy for the confusing thoughts that run through our minds, waiting for us to grasp onto and make sense of.

So I said, "Or it can also be like the little lottery balls flying around in the box... when one finally pops up and can be read..... DING - I have a thought!"

He nodded in agreement. When did he become so brilliant?? So I took it a step further... we get angry or frustrated, sometimes you have too many balls bouncing around inside your mind, some of them sticking, then getting knocked off by another one, etc.... It becomes too much to deal with and overwhelming. Sometimes ya gotta open the window and let some of them fly out so they can become more manageable....

Yeah.... I like that!! My son is brilliant.... now time to get rid of some balls!

and yes.... we had fun the rest of the evening.

Connecting to the past...

There comes a point in everyone's life that mortality sets in... not in a bad way mind you. Time moves faster and faster and then you begin to realize there's a finite time to this plane of existence - sorta makes you prioritize the things important in your life and conclude a lot of crap we put ourselves through just isn't important anymore.

For this reason - the last few weeks have caused me to reconnect to the past.... in a strange attempt to make sense of where I've been and where I want to go. Not too long ago I posted the story of finding my mother's recipe boxes and all the memories it brought back. Yesterday I was going through some boxes of old photographs and ran across a particular item that sent me for a loop.

I found a memorial card from my father's funeral in a metal box. I've been trying to find some connection to my father for years because he died when I was little. The only memories I have of him were his last year, mostly being ill and the last time I saw him in the hospital a day or so before he died. I could never remember the time of year when he passed but for some reason had always thought it was in the Spring.

I looked at the date on the card... July 31, 1968. The date means nothing for most but July 31st is my youngest son's birthday. My Dylan was born exactly twenty-five years to the day my father passed.

Coincidence?? I guess so... but for me it was profound. This was the first time I've felt a wink and a nudge from father and a reminder that he's still around keeping an eye out for me. I'm beginning to wonder what I will discover next.

The adventure has just begun...

A brand new start!

Wow.... it's been a very long time since I've posted anything here. So long in fact I forgot I had started this blog.

As I looked back to see what I had written, I could see the pain I was going through and trying to cover it up with sarcasm and wit. Truth be told, I'm not the best writer and not witty enough to use sarcasm as well as other. But I'm hoping to get better.

I decided a few days a go I would resurrect this blog, perhaps change the focus to include things I'm more passionate about - food and the process of becoming ???. I'll use the question marks because I'm not really sure what I'm becoming. What I know for sure is I'm much happier these days even though the days are not perfect. I have people (and a person) in my life I love a great deal. I've made a ton of new friends through social media, caught up with a few from the past and am doing my best to stay in touch with everyone.

I've found my law of attraction folks.... or they found me.... or we were attracted to each other.... you get the picture. I've been in discussions about Abraham-Hicks (always lively) and have even been to a couple workshops.

What I hope to accomplish with this blog is talk about the process of becoming, however that will turn out. The adventure has begun.... hope to see you on the other side!
xoxo

Beautiful Day!

Today I actually got up off my butt and did something. I met a good friend and went a yoga class. It's been a while since I've taken a class so I was a little worried. Boy did I get a good work out! At times my legs were shaking but I made it through the class.

After class we went to grab bite to eat and catch up. We had a great time - my friend always makes me laugh. How did I get so blessed to have such funny friends? We talked a good hour. As we walked up Eighth Avenue, we ran into one of our bosses at the theatre. He has a new dog! What a cutie.

It's getting closer to the theatre reopening. I can't believe it's been dark since the end of November. When we come back, there will be brand new seats and carpeting. From what our boss hinted at, we may be standing in the wings during the show? I have no idea what he's talking about because I think he wants to surprise us. God knows what he has planned for us. I'll just be glad to be working so I can stay out of trouble. As I get more news, I'll start reporting behind the scenes.

As always,
TOO

Dancing with the Stars!

Week 2
I'm so addicted. I couldn't get on to the show in it's first season but have slowly been becoming attached. I have to watch this season - mostly because I want to see how Joey Fatone does. I've always thought he had charisma (and I like the funny ones). I had seen him perform a couple times on Broadway over the years and there is just something about him that is enjoyable. He looks like he's having such a good time that you can't help but be drawn into his performance.

I think the competition is going to be tough this year. Leila Ali has got that fighter spirit and I think it's going to be her and Joey head to head. Exciting to say the least!
As always,
TOO

Spring has Sprung!

I haven't posted anything in a while. I couldn't think of anything to say or at least think of anything I thought was worth reading.

I love this time of year. I've never been a cold weather person. Us So Cal gals like the beach and fun in the sun! I am deeply affected by SAD and have an acceptionally difficult time in February. Like magic, I start to feel better the first day of March. Maybe it's all in my head. I can only report my personal experience.

The past six months have been a period of transition for me. I'm feeling that deep desire to create, do something...anything. I just can't seem to figure out what it is yet. I've always had a secret desire to write...so I've been writing and nothing seems to be coming of it. I've got several notebooks filled with my writing and most of it is nonsense. I guess there's still that deep fear of not being good enough or thinking who would care to read anything I wrote. I'm waiting for the muse to come and visit and tell me what it is I'm supposed to do. I'm still waiting....

As always,
TOO

Where is everybody?

I just realized I hadn't posted in a while. I found a new forum that I'm now addicted to. Part of the forum is a section about playing your way to better sex. I can't stay away. All of the posters are very funny and very intelligent. It's very free and open but not nasty or "dirty." There's a lot of sexual inuendo and play. Most of what I love is the humor. I believe if you can laugh about your sexuality, you've got a pretty healthy attitude towards sex. I've found it to be a safe place to discuss the differences between men and women, what people like and don't like but most of all, a place to express yourself without fear of judgement. If men and women could actually have open dialogues about sex, we would all have a much healthier attitudes towards the act. How else are we to find out what the other wants and not feel so ashamed about our bodies? Let's have more openness for all!

As always,
Too

Vision Boards

Recently I purchased a small bulletin board to start a vision board. I've been cutting out pictures and downloading places to put on this board. The purpose is to bring to mind all the things I'd like to manifest into my life. I've always been pretty good at bringing things into my life however lately, I've kinda lost focus. When I say lately, I don't mean the last couple months but the last few years. I feel I've made a positive change since the fall. It hasn't been all smooth sailing but I'm definitely made progress.

One of my strong suits is my ability to encourage others. I have a talent for spotting what it is people are trying to accomplish and pushing them gently on. I love to celebrate the best in others. There's something so wonderful about complimenting another. We just don't do it enough these days.

Back to the vision board...my goal is to put out as much positive energy to pave the way to happiness. I love to get that spark of inspiration and go with it. How exciting is that!

As always,
TOO